Beautiful Descent

For a Time of Sorrow

2012-01-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

“Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given. A thing that is lent may be taken away; a thing that is given is not taken away. Joy is given; sorrow is lent.

We are not our own, we are bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20), ‘and our sorrow is not our own’ (Samuel Rutherford said this a long time ago), it is lent to us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will be taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father’s gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all tears from off all faces (Isa. 25:8).

So let us use this ’lent’ thing to draw us nearer to the heart of Him who was once a Man of Sorrows (He is not that now, but He does not forget the feeling of sorrow). Let us use it to make us more tender with others, as He was when on earth and is still, for He is touched with the feeling of our infirmities (Heb. 4:15).”

~ Amy Carmichael
Edges of His Wings

I am finding that this grief, the loss of my beloved Judy-Mom, is forcing me to lean on Him who once was the Man of Sorrows. Comfort is found in the fact that his suffering is over and mine will one day be as well. Until then, I will trust Him to use our family's sorrow for His eternal purposes and be grateful that it is just "lent" to us for a time.

Judith Guerino: June 26, 1944 - November 24, 2011

2011-11-16T11:56:00.001-08:00

Christmas 2009 at Judith's (G.G.'s) House

"The greatest gift we can give one another
is rapt attention to another's existence."
~Sue Atchley Ebaugh

My mother-in-love not only listened well but she gave rapt attention to my existence.
It came in many forms:

Long phone calls
A book I was reading - she would buy and read it as well
Encouragement when I was struggling in a hobby or with other relationships
A sought out gift
Special time just for us girls during vacation visits

Her example of love taught me how to make someone feel and know they are special; rapt attention indeed.

As her cancer journey neared the end, I desperately wanted to give her the "rapt attention" of her precious existence in my life. I was praying for the opportunity to do so.

The answer came in a phone call on October 26, 2011 with her son. Matt listened to her explain how God brought to her remembrance the passage in Ezekiel 47:1-12 where the River of Life flowed from the temple. Ezekiel had this vision where he was ankle deep, then knee deep, thigh deep, and waist deep. At that point he wasn't allowed to be overtaken by the river but Judith knew she was about to. She was ready to let go and let the river take her into the arms of her heavenly Father. Such a picture brought her incredible comfort after several weeks of incredible suffering. She was ready to go home.

In the past when Judith and I would share with one another what God was teaching us, she would often find a common theme or point of connection. Days would go by and I assumed my musings would be forgotten. However, she would often surprise me by studying the passage in the Bible that touched me so deeply and would want to talk more. Or, she would buy the book I mentioned and would ask to discuss it again once she read it. It is said, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery one can give." Judith gave this to me very often.

To give her the gift of rapt attention I knew I needed to lean into this word picture of the river. I studied Ezekiel 47 and Revelation 22 on the River of Life. With my son we looked up Randy Alcorn's answer to "What is the River of Life?" in his Heaven for Kids book. I was stunned to see his imaginative musings,

"The River of Life may have numerous offshoots flowing throughout the rest of the city....Perhaps we'll travel in gondolas throughout the city like many people in Venice, Italy!"

This was the lovely connection to Judith as she traveled to Italy and experienced a gondola ride in Venice. Tommy wrote her a lovely letter showing his rapt attention by quoting Randy and asking her to ask Jesus about it. He is hoping both of them can ride a gondola together on the River of Life someday in the New Jerusalem on the New Earth.

Judith and Marilyn on a Gondola ride
(Fall 2009 - their husbands are at the other end of the boat)

The following day I stumbled upon Nancy Leigh De Moss's podcast on "The River of God." At that moment I felt God's rapt attention to Judith's existence. In the podcast Nancy walks through the Bible's rivers from Genesis leading to the River of Life in Revelation 22. Her pause at Ezekiel 47 to mention her special love for that passage felt like an extra touch from the Comforter to me.

As I listened to Nancy, I remembered that Jerry sketched a few bridges for the kids when they were in Venice (2009). The ultimate opportunity to give Judith rapt attention was placed on my heart.

I decided I needed to watercolor paint the Bridge of Sighs in Venice, Italy with a gondola. Beyond just greeting card sized painting, I hadn't attempted something on my own but I was trusting the Great Artist to help me overcome my confidence hurdles and do this out of love for my Judy-Mom.

God's comfort of the River of Life, Randy Alcorn's imagination of gondolas on it one day, and Jerry's sketch became my inspiration. As I prepared and painted I gave praise for answered prayer.

Matt was able to take my painting to Judith on his last visit with her (November 7-9, 2011). As a picture says a thousand words, my painting hopefully communicated my deep love for her. God has used her existence to shape me into an image that more closely resembles our Savior.

Special thanks to Marilyn for her photographs in Venice.

Celebrating with A Grateful Heart

2011-09-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

"Like the proud mother who is thrilled to receive

a wilted bouquet of dandelions from her child,
so God celebrates our feeble expressions of gratitude."
~ Richard Foster
(Prayer: Finding Your Heart's True Home p. 85)

Thankful for 10 fingers and a new way to use them.

As my friend said, "So many people think they cannot memorize but anyone can say a phrase 10 times out loud."

Simple things done on a daily basis may lead to a great reward.

For me, it has been the memorizing of 1 Peter...all 104 verses. It has been an exercise of discipline and faith. Discipline to use my 10 fingers each day to go over yesterday's verse 10 times and then adding a new verse, saying it 10 times out loud.

As I followed Dr. Davis's simple and straightforward method I still needed faith to step out of my comfort zone and attempt something that I may fail at. I tried it. And when it got hard, I asked the Lord to show me how to get over a hurdle....and He did.

A creative idea leaps over the hurdle.

Dr. Davis explains that "memorization is partly visual." So, he encourages you to photograph the verse with your eyes as it looks on the page of your Bible.

The small print, long paragraphs, and stark white pages in my Bible overwhelmed me. How can I focus on one verse? My first hurdle.....I can't do this straight out of my Bible like Dr. Davis. Do I give up or go to prayer and a brainstorm?

"Father, the temptation to see a string of hurdles laid out for me on a track that I can't run is bombarding my mind. However, I know that your Word is the tool to fight against the enemies attacks. Show me how to do this....give me an idea that will work for me, while still putting into practice Dr. Davis' advice."

A stack of index cards didn't sound appealing but breaking the larger passages down was necessary to see the small steps. And, anything with beauty helps my eyes make a mental photograph.

With scrapbook paper and a larger print I made my own pages. The photograph I was able to take with my eyes included color, phrases put in smaller paragraphs, and only 12 verses on the page! Creative baby steps...a bit of beauty put in a plastic sheet that I could carry with me everywhere.
The reward of making it to 12 verses came when I could take it out of the plastic sheet and put it in my notebook....along with a picture (thank you Lidia) that really captured what those verses said and meant to me.

Of course, I wasn't finished saying those verses out loud on a daily basis. To help me stay focused when I was reciting them with each verse number said aloud, I made a bookmark. I was able to have my notebook closed and just put my finger on the verse number as I recited.

Each page that I made is unique. This helped me take that snap shot in my mind. The bookmarks with matching paper reminded me visually where I was.

P.S. Now that I'm done with 1 Peter (but still recite it once a week), I've begun Ephesians to follow the sermon series at church. Dr. Davis's practical method works and I'm retaining what I've memorized.

A Quiet Mind

2011-09-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Crepescular Rays at Rockaway Beach, Oregon

Photo taken June 2011

When winds are blowing, waves are rising, falling
And all the air is full of dust and spray;
When voices, like to sea birds’ plaintive calling,
Confuse my day;

Then, then I know Thee, Lord of highest heaven
In newborn need discover Thee, and find
Nought can discomfort him to whom is given
A quiet mind.

When hopes have failed, and heavy sadness crusheth,
And doubt and fear would weave their deadly spell,
Then thought of Thee my troubled spirit husheth;
And all is well.

In midnight hours when weariness ignoreth
Heaven’s starry host, and battle wounds are mine,
Then Thy right hand uplifteth and outpoureth
Love’s oil and wine.

O Blessed Lord, beyond the moment’s sorrow
I see above, beaneath, before, behind–
Eternal Love. Give me today, tomorrow,
A quiet mind.

~ Amy Carmichael

The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

This poem and verse is in my heart and in my prayers for a short term mission team that we are sending from Harvest Community Church to Boma, South Sudan. May those who go and the family who are left behind have a quiet mind given by God in supernatural ways when the circumstances scream otherwise.

I remember when Matt went to Sudan and how intense the happenings at home were. Spiritual armor is very much needed. So, I'm praying daily as they will be gone from September 20 - October 3rd. May God's kingdom work be advanced to the praise of His glory.

Childlike Wonder

2011-07-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child that is born on the Sabbath day,
is bonny, and blythe, and good, and gay.

There once was an almost grown child, determined and eager, who wanted to go far. However, she was born on a Tuesday and was instead, according to the poem, slated to be full of grace. So, she only took her "boat" a little ways south and discovered a place full of grace and truth.

During her years there she stumbled upon an old, out of print, precious children’s story. This soon to be young woman loved things ancient, precious, & hard to find. Her children’s literature professor entrusted her with a gem published in 1910. Carefully holding the old linen, hardback book, the dusty smell of history & fiction awakened something in her soul. A longing with a sense of loss while anticipating the pleasures of adulthood penetrated her mind and pricked her heart.

This book, Through The Little Green Door by Mary Dickerson Donahey, introduced her to another almost grown child named Judith who was incredibly lonely. She lived among adults that were so prim, proper, and serious that they had almost completely forgotten that they ever were at one time children. Even her child-aged cousins acted like grown ups and were robbed of childlike pleasures.

Judith (Judy as a child) was allowed to escape from the dreary reality of life into “Little Child Land” behind the little green door in her grandmother’s old house. In this dream like place she met three generations of Judiths that she comes from. The oldest, Puritan Judith, was born in England and immigrated to America as a baby. She found out that “Little Child Land” contained the little child selves of the adults in real life, living on to help in remembering the memories of childhood and reliving them when called upon by their real selves. The “Mother” of the land explained,

“These children are boys and girls who grew up, and left behind them their little child selves when they become young men and women. Here they never grow old, never grow tired of fairy tales or games or frolics, never are too big to be hugged and petted and kissed. They are always just the same, doing over and over again the things they did when they were real children, out in the big world.”

“How lovely!” cried Judy, “but nobody ever told me of such a place. Do the grown folks know about it?”

The old lady said softly, “Not so many as we’d like, dear, not so many as we’d like. There are some grown people who forget all about their little childselves and shut themselves up tight in grown folks’ ways and thoughts and pleasures, and it does hurt the poor little forgotten children so! It makes them sad and lonely. If a grown-up person remembers his little child self always, when he dies the little self lives on with us forever, and helps all other children and the grown folks too. But if that man or woman forgets, the little child self fades away till there is nothing left, so we never see it any more. But I’m glad to say that does not happen often.” (Through the Little Green Door by Mary Dickerson Donahey)

However, Judy knew it was happening with the women she lived with and the cousins that were still children. She wanted to remain in Little Child Land and live there forever.

As the story unfolds, Judy’s task is to awaken the childlike self in her Aunt and Great Grandmamma. As she attempts this in the real world, she is also allowed, at times to go behind the little green door for an adventure in Little Child Land with a different dream child as her guide.

Amy began to realize that as she grew into adulthood, she needs to cultivate the childlike wonder and remember the adventures she had as a child. However, she knew her temperament tended to be on the "too serious" side. God would have to provide others as His gifts of grace to guide her, like Judy's dream child guides in Little Child Land.

Returning from the south, Amy found an enchanted place with her mother called Close to Home (a store filled with delightful things to decorate and furnish your home). In it was a Judith that embodied this childlike self as an adult woman. As her mother complimented Judith on the beauty of her store, the wonders of an antique, rose chintz pattern teapot and place setting for two arrested Amy’s heart. Such sparkles in the eyes of another was not lost on Judith. This store owner set the coveted teapot and necessaries aside, hoping to bestow a precious gift someday.

Not long after that “through the Close to Home door” experience, Amy began courting the son of Judith. Judith heard that Amy was planning a homemade dessert to celebrate her son’s birthday. It was the opportunity Judith was waiting for. She wanted to have her son be the first to be served on the rose chintz tea ware owned by the "hoped for future daughter in law." The week before his actual day Judith presented Amy with the “no pressure” gift.

Amy knew then, that God had indeed blessed her life by being born on Tuesday, a child full of grace. She received a gift of his grace embodied in a her own Judith who would guide her in cultivating the childlike self, keeping it alive and strong in Little Child Land.

As each has received a gift,
use it to serve one another
as good stewards of God's varied grace.
1 Peter 4:10

Dedicated to Judith Guerino, my Judy-Mom as she continues to endure a long hospital stay.

A Divine Beckoning

2011-06-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

It is good for me that I was afflicted,

that I might learn your statutes.

The law of your mouth is better to me

than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

Psalm 119:71-72

"The reason we are not able to see God is the faintness of our desire."
~ Meister Eckhart

Motivation

Crown Point overlooking the Columbia River, Oregon

At the outset of this year, 2011, a foreboding and depressing cloud of anxiety hung over me. Cancer and the last stages of the battle would overtake my mind surrounding loved ones (relatives & church family). The joy of my inheritance that is secured by Christ’s death and resurrection was gone and the curse of death reigned in my heart. Something must be done…emotional pain is a great motivator.

A Life Gently Lived Out Before Me

A precious member of our church lives her life in a quiet way but her example shouts to me. In the midst of learning some of the difficult things she has faced in her life, she revealed some practical spiritual disciplines that she lives out: fasting a meal once a week and Scripture memory, an entire book of the Bible.

My Watercolor Painting: "Resurrection at Dawn"

Jesus knew the Word well and he spent time fasting in the wilderness as He anticipated the journey to the cross. I was receiving the answer from the Holy Spirit as to how I was to battle this depressing cloud and find my joy in what has already been accomplished at the cross.

“I know of no other single practice in the Christian life more rewarding… than memorizing Scripture… No other single exercise pays greater spiritual dividends…” ~ Charles Swindoll

A Beautiful Blog

As I was processing my own mental hurdles of attempting either spiritual discipline, I came across a lovely blog that provided for me the tools I needed to get started: Ann Voskamp

Her heart felt, personal stories that motivated her to memorize entire books of Scripture drew me in. The photographs are aesthetically pleasing, the music in the background draws you in to a serene place, and the summary of practical helps with the links was all I needed to get started.

A Powerful Testimony From A Respected Preacher

John Piper’s preaching and writings influence me to draw near to God. When I watched this little clip of a sermon, I couldn’t wait to get started on my own Scripture memory.

Piper's Testimony of the Benefits of Memorizing Scripture :

makes meditation possible at times when I can’t be reading the Bible, and meditation is the pathway of deeper understanding.
strengthens my faith because faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of Christ, and that happens when I am hearing the word in my head.
shapes the way I view the world by conforming my mind to God’s viewpoint.
makes God’s word more readily accessible for overcoming temptation to sin, because God’s warnings and promises are the way we conquer the deceitful promises of sin.
guards my mind by making it easier to detect error—and the world is filled with error, since the god of this world is a liar.
enables me to hit the devil in the face with a force he cannot resist, and so protect myself and my family from his assaults.
provides the strongest and sweetest words for ministering to others in need.
provides the matrix for fellowship with Jesus because he talks to me through his word, and I talk to him in prayer.

I also enjoyed listening to this message in it’s entirety when I felt my resolve waver. If My Words Abide in You: Sermon by John Piper

My Choice: A Book That Stirs My Passions

At the advice of Dr. Davis in An Approach to Extended Memorization of Scripture, “Choose a book that God has used in the past to minister to you, that you think would be most useful in your walk with Christ and in your ministry to others.”

1 Peter was a book I began memorizing when I went on a short term missions trip to Kazakhstan in 1993. Chapter 1 reminded me of what I have in Christ, an inheritance that is unfading and guarded in heaven, while I was struggling to minister to a different culture, with a language barrier, and suffering from chiggers. The message to endure suffering while waiting for Christ’s return and the glory that will come is loud and clear in 1 Peter.

This larger perspective on suffering is needed now as I walk the road of physical pain and the emotional pain of future loss.

1 Peter 4:19 is a theme verse for the whole book:

“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.”

A recording of my recitation of 1 Peter can be viewed in this post: Making My Roots Run Deep

Making My Roots Dig Deep

2011-03-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

Gentle Waters
My completed painting from Watercolor Secrets Tutorial

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the LORD.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17:7-8

Blessed = happy or satisfied
Trust = to rely or depend upon

The word picture of being a tree planted by water captures my heart. Sending deep roots to the stream, to the waters of life....do I know how to do that? Have I done enough of that?

I feel like I'm living in a year of drought....extra pain on top of my already full plate of managing another chronic pain. Are my leaves green? Am I still bearing fruit?

Prompted by my desire to continue to go deep and reach for the waters of life I began memorizing 1 Peter on March 9, 2011, the beginning of Lent. I completed it on May 18th.

I'm hesitant to share this on video. I'm humbled by God's grace to help me over some hurdles to memorizing an entire book. I will share those in another post. However, the sharing of God's Word can encourage and spur one another one to love and good deeds. So, I share it humbly and cautiously.

I worked through my struggles of a video camera to record a recitation of the book. If you watch it you will see my initial hesitation and "mind blank." I pushed through. My wandering eyes are not on any words but just an avoidance of the camera.

Things to notice if you watch the entire video:

A funny mistake but I catch myself and correct it. Yes, I do truly believe and agree with those verses. Can you find which ones?
A humorous sound effect provided by my neighbor at just the right moment. Can you hear it? Hint: I smirked and smiled through it...and it is at the end.

Following Dr. Andrew Davis suggestion to make the book really stick in long term memory, I'm in the Recite it for 100 days phase.

Others have hid the Word in their hearts and have linked up here:

"For My Own Sake"

2011-01-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

I’ve entertained special visitors this week. A modern day Mary Poppins, a cleaning angel who is mature in years, and a he-woman grocery shopper. I can either be grateful for their service unto the Lord or wallow in self-pity at what I cannot do for myself, nor am I able to reciprocate the good deeds.

However, I’ve been meditating on these words of life for weeks now and God is getting my attention:

I am the LORD your God,
Who teaches you to profit,
[ESV study note: misplaced values are idols]
Who leads you in the way to go.
Oh, that you had paid attention to my commandments!
Then your peace would have been like a river,
and your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
Isaiah 48: 17b-18

A misplaced value…
what I find my significance in when I feel worthless…..
my sense of purpose from the world‘s perspective….
ARE idols according to God and do not profit.

My Idol:
I want to feel like I can contribute to the lives of those around me. The contributions must be tangible in things I can do: keep my house clean, manage the budget, grocery shop and cook good meals, write napkin notes in my kids’ homemade lunches daily, welcome them home with a smile, motivate them to excellence in accomplishing homework and being patient when they struggle, welcome my husband home with a serene home environment (house clean, kids happy, dinner ready), and be available to meet the needs of others in the church as well, etc. The driving motivator is a faulty belief in “what I do makes me worth something to my family, to my church, to my community, etc.”

God’s Methods of Teaching Me:
Poor health and an added injury have challenged my unprofitable purpose for living. As I’ve been meditating on the passage in Isaiah, I have discovered that my value or my significance in what I can do is misplaced.

Lucy Pevensie, the youngest child in the Chronicles of Narnia (by C.S. Lewis) misjudged her significance as well in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. She believed the world’s lie that to be worthwhile you have to be beautiful. In the recent movie version of the story, I love how the screenwriter crafted the confrontation of Lucy’s vanity. Aslan doesn’t chide her for her desire to be pretty. But he does go to the heart of the issue by telling her, “You doubt your value.” He goes on to point out his perspective on her worth. God’s perspective on my purpose for living is what I need.

God has continued to allow an injury to linger and healing to be slow. I trust Him to use this for my good and for his glory. Another Isaiah passage I’ve held onto in the midst of this is:

Behold, I have refined you but not as silver;
I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.
For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it,
For how should my name be profaned?
My glory I will not give to another.
Isaiah 48:10 -11

This past week has been an intense furnace of affliction. He is bringing the dross of my pride to the surface; the idol of my misplaced value. For His own sake, for his own glory, he is skimming it off.

He wants to lead me in the way I should go, in the way that will profit. If I follow I will find peace like a river and righteousness like the waves of the sea.

So, rather than insist that I make dinner for my Mary Poppins, her two kids, and my two kids; I graciously thanked her for offering to bring a pizza in. That allowed me time to rest my neck muscles so they could endure the later hours of the evening. A date with my husband: to dinner at the expense of another servant of the Lord and then to hear the Oregon Symphony was amazingly with little to no pain. Peace is flowing like a river.

On Sunday I was given the offer by a retired lady to come and clean my house, knowing that I can’t right now. My husband has been doing most of this housework but the stress of this has kept him from accomplishing his other jobs. I knew I needed to humbly submit to God’s provision. She came with homemade goodies in hand on Thursday. I had horrendous pain with a headache that day. I rested and even slept while she cleaned. With slowly failing eyesight, she gave to the Lord what she could, while she still has the gift of vision. My pain and my needs gave her that chance.

Finally, on Friday I had a fellow pastor’s wife help me by going grocery shopping with me. The pushing of the cart, and loading of the groceries in bags as well as to the car, are tasks I’m unable to do without risking re-injuring my weak neck. She provided her time and her encouragement. Again, my husband had been doing this errand with me in recent previous weeks. Accepting this friend’s help was helping my husband, which has helped the church (letting the pastor rest before a busy Sunday is a good thing).

True Value Found:

Your hands have fashioned me;
Give me understanding that I may learn your commandments.

Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice,
because I have hoped in your word.

I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous,
and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

Let your steadfast love comfort me
according to your promise to your servant.

Let your mercy come to me that I may live;
for your law is my delight.
Psalm 119:74-78

If God’s hands have fashioned me, then I know He has intended my body to remain as it is. A broken vessel I may be but He has used my needy circumstances to humble me and provide opportunities of service. The ladies that served my family this week did it for the Lord. As I cannot reciprocate, their reward is in a place where moth and rust cannot destroy. I don’t want to take that away from them.

God has also reminded me that my role as a pastor’s wife and a mother of two cannot be replaced. My nurturing presence and supportive ear still remains in a broken body.

If I let God lead me to what’s truly profitable, then peace comes like a river and righteousness like the waves of the sea. This requires me to acknowledge an idol that needs to be removed: my belief that my significance comes from what I can do instead of what he’s making me to be. But following his lead does produce peace because the pressure to perform is gone, pride in my life is uprooted, and his righteousness replaces it in the form of humility.

God’s steadfast love, tender mercy, and words of life have helped to displace the idol. My pride has been uprooted and his righteousness is like the waves of the sea. To walk humbly before Him is to allow him to fashion me as He will. My desire is to bring Him glory, show off His great worth…..He is the only own who is worthy.

My Chains Become His

2011-01-08T09:57:00.000-08:00

To begin the year I want to reflect on God's amazing grace in my life. The pride that brought me to rebel against my Creator was nailed to the cross. I seek to walk humbly before Him....for He gave His all to redeem me.

Randy Alcorn shared this youtube video created by actionJones. It shows with simple but beautiful animation what Christ has done for all. Receive Him and find peace for your soul.

The song is “The Gospel Song” by Sovereign Grace Music with an excerpt from John Piper's “The Gospel in 6 Minutes.”

Remember to pause my "Play List" on the right side bar before viewing the video.

All these things my hand has made,
and so all these things came to be,
declares the LORD.
But this is the one to whom I will look:
he who is humble and contrite in spirit
and trembles at my word.
(Isaiah 66:2 ESV)

Christmas 2010 in Oregon

2010-12-26T19:26:00.000-08:00

Our family stayed home this Christmas. We usually travel to California but my health prevented this.

However, we fully enjoyed our church family and the festivities of a Children's Musical (both of my kids were in it), a Holiday Open House at a church family's house, a Candle Light Christmas Eve Service, and a quiet Christmas Day at home with all the gifts from extended family under our tree. Skype was helpful in connecting with grandparents.

The season was quiet and peaceful. God with us, Emmanuel was felt by our little family.

Don't forget to silence my playlist to the right before watching this little clip from the kid's Christmas musical.

A Long Drink at the Mountain Spring

2010-11-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Cascading Mountain Spring
(my completed tutorial with Watercolor Secrets)

“God is a mountain spring, not a watering trough. A mountain spring is self-replenishing. It constantly overflows and supplies others.

But a watering trough needs to be filled with a pump or a bucket brigade. So if you want to glorify the worth of a watering trough you work hard to keep it full and useful.

But if you want to glorify the worth of a spring you do it by getting down on your hands and knees and drinking to your heart’s satisfaction, until you have refreshment and strength to go back down in the valley and tell people what you’ve found.

You do not glorify a mountain spring by dutifully hauling water up the path from the river below and dumping it in the spring…

God is like a mountain spring, not a watering trough.

And since that is the way God is, we are not surprised to learn from Scripture that the way to please God is to come to him to get and not to give, to drink and not to water. He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.”

~ John Piper in The Pleasures of God

I'm having to wait on the Lord for the strength to come down from the mountain spring to share what I'm enjoying in Him. The subject of the fear of the Lord has me captivated like nothing else.

At present, He also has me waiting on Him for healing from the same neck injury that I incurred last autumn. However, I'm beginning to see how my pain (along with the slow process of building strength in my neck muscles) is bringing Him glory as I experience more of who He is through dependence and trust.

So, you must picture me up and around for an hour or two attending to the needs of my household and then laying down with an icepack on my neck to give my head a break for 20 minutes or more. I take this time to meditate on passages like:

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.
Isaiah 26:3-4 ESV

Seek the LORD and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
Psalm 105:4 ESV

With lots of "head breaks" (do you realize how heavy our heads really are for our necks to hold up? ----my neck is very weak and my exercises are coming slowly due to my fibromyalgia) I have time to think, pray, meditate, or get depressed.

Thankfully, I'm learning to fight through with the Holy Spirit's help, a loving husband, supportive church family, and older kids.

This song has been in my heart and head all day. God is quite literally "the lifter of my head"...but I can't expect more than an hour or so without neck and shoulder pain.

Remember to push the stop button on my playlist (on right sidebar) before playing the song below:

Thanks for understanding my absence from blogging for a time....

Paralyzing Fear vs. The Fear of God: Part 2

2010-10-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

Autumn Path
My completed painting from the Watercolor Secrets Tutorial

“You don’t assume fear is your destination.
Fear is your tour guide that takes you to the place of truth,
for you to be able to discern if that fear is godly or not.”
~ Jennifer Rothschild

My Autumn Path painting illustrates how I feel on this journey of understanding "fear." My own forebodings create a longing for God's perspective. In the quest for knowledge I search through the Bible passages containing the word. It is a winding trail with surprising twists and turns. I'm taken to dark and unknown places but God's Spirit is beginning to illuminate the truth in His Word.

The irrationality of my imagination is discounted when specific fears are spoken aloud with words; but the feeling of fear can overwhelm rational thought in any given moment. The spoken word or a distraction cannot quell the inner storm.

At a calm or neutral time I began to study what the Bible has to say about fear. If I want to recall truth during a wave of irrational fear, I must have it already stored up. In the past I attempted to placate my fears with a quick prayer or a distraction.

A Faulty Statement?
The first winding turn in my path needs to address a faulty assumption stated by some Christians:

“My fear
(brought on by an uncontrollable circumstance)
is proof of a weak faith.”

They may mean the worries of the future are getting the better of them and they quote:

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus, (Philippians 4:6-7 ESV).”

I would agree with this but I would not classify my worry as fear or my lack of trust as a weak faith. They need to climb the high tower of who God is in his sovereignty and find refuge there (Part 1); rather than making a definitive statement to their soul that keeps them stuck in fear and with a small, faulty view of God.

However, there are others who will quote the following passages to prove the statement: “feelings of fear equal a weak faith.”

“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control, (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV).”

What is this "spirit of fear" the apostle Paul is writing about? Such a question can only be interpreted correctly by understanding the context of the passage (read above and below a given verse to get the author's flow of thought).

Paul urging Timothy to live out his spiritual gift and not to be afraid of speaking the gospel or the sufferings that may come when you do so. Paul is not stating anything about fear being equal to a weak faith. He is identifying the fact that we feel fear. He is encouraging us not to fear man or the consequences of sharing the truth.

The other passage:

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, (1 John 4:18a ESV).”

Only half of the verse is quoted and the second half begins to explain what John means, “For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love, (1 John 4:18b ESV).” The punishment mentioned is eternal punishment.

The ESV Study Bible Note says: “Here John speaks of fear of final judgment (cf 1 John 4:17). God's perfect love for believers casts out the fear of wrath and eternal punishment."

Listening to my spirit, rather than listening to God’s:

This twist in my path on the study of fear makes me take a step back on how these Christians approach the Bible when they have a specific question.

No one wants to believe a fallacy but many stumble onto them due to the way they study the Bible. I can bring my own presupposition to a Bible passage, like the statement: fear equals a weak faith, and conform the meaning of the verse to prove it. This is what my husband means when he says, I’m “listening to my own spirit or remaining in my own mental space,” in a recent article he wrote (Good Books, Good Readers).

To be open to what God has to say on the subject I need to be ready for God to not only change my presuppositions but to also change my question.

I would like to see the Bible eradicate and completely abolish my fears. However, if I do not want to impose a human idea on the Bible and run into error, I must hold that desire with an open hand for God to change it if necessary.

The statement about my fears proving a weak faith is a human idea that does not stand up in Scripture. We need to be willing to “follow an author’s flow of thought” (another phrase my teaching husband loves to use) to understand what God says about a given topic.

Jennifer Rothschild said, “Fear is your tour guide that takes you to the place of truth, for you to be able to discern if that fear is godly or not.” The discernment process begins when we read God’s Word for what He means in each passage.

I can’t wait to share with you the astounding things I found that God has to say about “fear.” He has indeed changed my presuppositions and given me a greater awe for himself and how he made humanity.

Paralyzing Fear vs. The Fear of God: Part 1

2010-09-29T09:52:00.001-07:00

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

FEAR

How do you define it?

That overwhelming emotion which has the ability to paralyze your thinking so as to prevent any rational or logical reason to calm you.

Fear, the force that throws you into a black hole and in the perpetual falling you think, “The bottom must lead to disaster and despair.”

If I have not cultivated the discipline of taking every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5), my feelings of fear are fueled. The overwhelming despondency begins an avalanche of rocks covering the entrance to the cave of fear and I become trapped.

But there is a way out. A shift in perspective on the feeling of fear must take place.

Jennifer Rothschild, blind since the age of 16 said,

“Fear is an intuitive detective that walks you to the hand of God to the place of truth.”

I can prevent or resist this detective work and let fear paralyze me.

OR

I can let the feeling of fear trigger my need to run to God. In His hands I’m led to the truth of His Word.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
The righteous run to it and are safe.
Proverbs 18:10

My watercolor painting (my completed tutorial from Watercolor Secrets), depicts a castle with strong towers. Light still shines on it and on the path leading up to the castle but storm clouds threaten above. I picture the Holy Spirit giving me just enough light in the midst of my fear while guiding me to the strong tower of God in his name!

Climbing the steep hill to the refuge is work when fear captures you. But that ascent is necessary. For me it is a refusal to entertain “what if” thoughts and focus on “what is.”

Jennifer Rothschild calls “what if,” “the language of fear and speculation, but the ‘what is’ thoughts is the language of faith in God."

What is:

God is Almighty - Giver and Sustainer of Life (El Shaddai)
God is the Most High God, the One and only God (El Elyon)
God is High above all things and Ruler of all there is (Adonai)
God is the One who sees, He is constantly aware of everything about me (El Roi)
God is my source, my sufficiency, my provider (Jehovah Jireh)
God is the Lord who heals (Jehovah Rapha)
God is my friend, my faithfulness, ever present with me (Jehovah Shammah)
God is the all conquering Savior, and guardian of my soul (Jehovah Sabbaoth)

A.W. Tozer writes in Knowledge of the Holy, “Sovereignty and omnipotence must go together. Once cannot exist without the other. To reign God must have power, ant to reign sovereignty, He must have all power.”

Whatever has initially caused my fear (circumstances out of my control); it is controlled by an all-powerful God.

When David had to keep on the move with his men, fleeing from Saul for his life we find him in overwhelming circumstances in 1 Samuel 30:1-6. After helping the people of Ziklag by freeing them from their Amelekite captors, he and his soldiers have a tiring, three day journey home. Upon arrival he finds that the women and children were raided by the Amelekites and carried away. The men talked of turning on David, needing to blame someone. Did David wallow in despair or allow fear to paralyze him?

And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God,” 1 Samuel 30:6 (ESV).

Charles Swindoll writes in Intimacy with the Almighty, “Don’t miss the point - David faced the situation with realism; but he refused to panic, to fight back, to run, or to dissolve in self-pity. Realizing his dire need for time alone with God, he moved away from his embittered companions, away from the chaotic scene, and sought a place of quietness and stillness to strengthen his soul.”

David knew how to climb to the high tower of God and dwell with what He knows of God, rather than wallowing in fear.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Psalm 91:1

As I call on who God is…, I’ve taken refuge in his strong tower. The feeling of fear may still ebb and flow but I can face the storm clouds in the shelter of his sovereignty, secure in my unchanging Savior.

God's Crashing Wave

2010-09-25T09:03:00.001-07:00

Crashing Wave
(my finished tutorial from Watercolor Secrets)

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls;
All you breakers and waves have gone over me.
Psalm 42:7

The winds and waves of life seek to toss and hurl us headlong into confusion and discouragement.

So much brokenness, so much pain, so many needs call out for help or rescue:

Families in crisis due to sexual addictions, wayward children, financial struggles, dissatisfaction with our church.
Cancer attacking young fathers and beloved mothers or grandmothers that I know.
A death of a younger brother after a long journey of a little known disease.
The sudden onslaught of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease) to a successful school district administrator.
The anniversary of the suicide of a teenage son.
Some of these belong to Jesus, others do not, as yet
My own physical pain that limits my involvement in comforting those in the midst of crisis.
The worry of my child returning to school with unkind peers.
The special needs of my other child creates mountains out of mole hills during simple life transitions (returning to school from summer break).

And yet…..GOD

In Exodus 20 when God descended on the mountain….holy, set apart….with thunder and lightening, the nation of Israel was afraid.

I love Moses response in verse 20:

“Do not fear, for God has come to test you, that the fear of Him may be before you that you may not sin!”

Moses told them NOT to fear....

but then quickly said that the fear of God should be in their hearts.

What is the difference?

Initially the people were afraid of the quaking mountain due to the thunder and lightening God displayed. Their peaceful camp-out was rocked! They feared their surroundings, their circumstances, things beyond their control.

God used such a trial to call their attention to the real need:

THE FEAR OF GOD

Wait a minute! I thought my real need was peace for my soul in the midst of life’s difficult circumstances.

And I do need that but God wants to go in deeper first.

“Nothing under His control can ever be out of control.” ~ Charles Swindoll in Intimacy with the Almighty.

In his book A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken describes one way his wife dealt with the reality of her terminal illness through painting.

"The painting she completed - after which it went over the mantelpiece - showed in muted colors a nude female form lying prone, eyes shut, while a great wave - the wave of God - crested above her, ready to thunder down upon her."

And so I pray:

Father, as deep calls to deep at the sound of great waterfalls declaring your greatness and power to one another, I too, want to join in. May I see that the waves rolling over me are not the outward struggles of my circumstances but something much deeper. I believe in your absolute sovereignty over the adversity in my life. I submit to being overwhelmed by the mighty hand of God.

Chipmunk Cheeks

2010-09-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

O Lord, how manifold are your works!
In wisdom you have made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
Psalm 104:24

"The Lord delights in the expressions of his wisdom...Whether you look near or far, whether you look for bigness or smallness, the wonders of nature stagger the mind with the wisdom woven through it all."
~ John Piper in The Pleasures of God

On this rainy, vacation day tucked under the eaves I seek some solitude. With a warm coat and a pot of tea
I savor the silence in the Olympic National Forest.

The trees that surround this little cabin whisper in the wind that all is calm.

The exception is the scritch, scratching of paws on tree bark. I spy a chipmunk. And this chipmunk is on a mission!

There is a squirrel feeder nailed to one of the many trees near the porch. It is filled with corn kernels and the chipmunk wants breakfast. He jumps in to stuff as many kernels he can inside his cheeks.

He comes out to sit on the perch and view the world, or watch out for potential danger.

Beginning with his cute little paws, he pushes out one nugget from his overstuffed cheeks and he feasts on it. Holding it carefully, moving it around to nibble it, somewhat methodically. His cute bulging cheeks wiggle with this munching.

After he finishes one kernel, he rubs his lower jaw with his paws and out pops another piece of corn. His cheeks were a storehouse of individual treasures that he tenderly enjoyed one by one.

I watched him intently as he continued with his meal until the chubby cheeks grew slim. He washed his face with moistened paws.

To my surprise, he jumped back in the feeder to fill his cheek storehouse for more. He was in and out three more times, three more cheek-fulls.

Enjoying his little face and wiggling cheeks, I wondered what object lesson could be taken from this peaceful and charming scene.

The feeder and the food is provided by the owner of the house. The chipmunk comes to feast on his generosity. God has provided spiritual food to satisfy those he has created. But we must come to the feeder to eat.

The chipmunk gathered and stuffed his cheeks full before he would step out and feast on them. The task of coming to eat requires a time to do so. This often requires saying no other things that clamor for our attention. To read the Word of God is like climbing in the feeder and gathering.

He could have just run away and stored them somewhere else, hoarding instead of enjoying. As Christians we easily do this by attending church, taking notes from a good sermon but they are set aside. Or doing all the activities that are offered (a Bible study, Awana, a small group, etc.), filling up our calendars so there is no room for sitting down to read the Word for ourselves. But because they are Bible related things, we think we have feasted. Gathering such things is good but we need to take time to meditate on the truths of the Bible and feast on His spiritual food for ourselves. The enemy of our souls know that to get us busy is to miss the most important thing that will truly satisfy.

Writing in a journal what you are learning from a passage of Scripture is like calling up a kernel from your storehouse. It is asking the Holy Spirit to reveal God's truth and what He wants you to learn from it. To eat the kernel is to meditate, ruminate, mull over, and pray through the passage. It is waiting for God's message to enter the very core of who you are and sense the Spirit's work.

I've found that this has to be more than a 15 minute quiet time in a devotional book, reading what someone else wrote on one particular verse. It requires some time of solitude, being alone. This means you have to be okay with silence. Once you begin reading the Words of Life on your own (with a good study Bible in hand like the ESV Study Bible) the Holy Spirit can guide you to God's amazing storehouse and you begin to want more. So, you go back to the feeder to dig to the depths of His riches!

My summer has been like this. I've had scattered days and weekends spent in solitude. It has been sublime. My cheeks have been stuffed so many times. I've also stopped long enough to feast on each truth, tasting it's delights, digesting it fully, and finding satisfaction in my soul.

The Holy Spirit has guided me to word pictures throughout Scripture that I could then apply to a painting tutorial. Watercolor painting is a new medium for me to express my praise. I hope to share the kernels I've stuffed my cheeks with and the paintings that I've applied to them in the coming weeks.

A Simple Gift, a Simple Light

2010-08-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

You are the light of the world…
let your light shine before others,
so that they may see your good works
and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Matthew 5:14a, 16

My friend apologized for her late arrival but a police detour around an accident by the middle school caused her delay.

On our way to the candle party we observed the taped off zone but couldn’t tell what happened. I sent up a prayer for all involved, wondering if it would include a middle school student. Little did I know how the events there would weave into my everyday and be connected to another PartyLite Candle gathering.

Read the back story and climax of the accident at my mother in law’s blog here: A Gift for Barbara Rose

Then come back for it’s continuation….
_____________________________________

Shock pulsed through my body as my next door neighbors explained that their daughter was hit crossing the street to catch her bus to go to a movie. She died wearing Elizabeth’s glass beads, a token of my seven year old’s friendship that encouraged a sixth grader’s heart who was struggling to fit in at a new school.

I embraced this mother with the only words that would come, “I’m so sorry.”

In that awkward moment I asked a dumb question, “Do you still have the necklace?….hoping the simple glass beads may be a comfort in the process of grief. She was wearing the necklace and it broke on impact, just as her body did. All I could picture were beads flying everywhere.

They let us know that family from out of state would be arriving to stay for the funeral. The only help we could give was permission to take up the parking in front of our house. God spoke his comfort to me, “No, you have given so much more already because you did not hinder Elizabeth’s simple gift.”

My daughter is now twelve, the same age that Barbara Rose was. I better understand the insecurities of a middle school girl. Back then I wondered if my seven year old would be shunned for such a homemade gift. I now see how such a fear was unrealistic. I’m so glad I prayed over it and trusted God’s divine appointment. I never imagined it would be so significant.

My neighbor came to my candle party a few weeks later. She opened up and talked with me and a few others gathered there. In the midst of lovely lit candles a grieving mom shared her story to women who bore the light of Jesus in their hearts. We cried with her and prayed over her.

As a mother I vowed then to never hinder the surprising work of the Holy Spirit through my children. Elizabeth wanted to make something herself for that neighbor girl, scones from the family wasn’t enough.

I thanked the Lord that even though I delayed in making those scones because life was busy, they came at just the right time. And without Elizabeth’s gift, it wouldn’t have been enough.

The invisible bubble barrier over every house that separates neighbors from one another was burst by our family bringing over homemade gifts to welcome a new family on our street.

Lord, I pray, "Help me to live my life simply enough to feel the nudging of the Holy Spirit; to stop and act on that impulse, and to push through the uncomfortable, awkward moments because You are in control."

Breaking Up Fallow Ground

2010-07-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

Watercolor Work Horse Painted on July 15, 2010

Sow for yourselves righteousness;

reap steadfast love;

break up your fallow ground,

for it is the time to seek the Lord,

that he may come and rain righteousness upon you.

Hosea 10:12

G.K. Chesterton said, "Art is the signature of man."

At present I cannot manage to find the words to share what God is doing in my heart and life because it is in process.

However, I can bring glory to, or display the worth of my Maker in the display of my simple paintings.

The Triune God created the world and it gave Him pleasure. For his glory's sake he made an image-bearer (Gen. 1:26) to understand the value of what he created and how it pointed to a majestic Creator. He made man with a mind which goes beyond the instincts of animals.

"This creature [man] was truly different from all other creatures; because he was creator as well as creature," continues Chesterton.

Donald T. Williams explains in Mere Humanity, "Monkeys may sharpen sticks to make primitive tools for digging termites out of the ground; they may arrange boxes into a pile they can climb to retrieve a banana hung from the ceiling. They do not arrange sticks or the boxes into intricate patterns simply so they can sit back and lose themselves in the contemplation of their symmetry. Other species, in other words, pursue the practical arts on a rudimentary level but know nothing of what we call the fine arts."

"Art is the signature of man because it constitutes a radical break with animal behavior, not a development from it," explains G.K. Chesterton.

The evolution theory reduces man to that of a beast. This denigration of man's image is a slap in the face to the very nature and glory of God. The enemy seeks to defame and destroy what is due to the Almighty. Many worldviews are only tools in his hands to mock God.

"'It is not natural to see man as a natural product,' says G.K. Chesteron. Man is the only one of the physical creatures with enough of a self to want to sign his name; art is his signature, and he gets both from the greatest Artist of all," writes Donald T. Williams.

And so, I paint when my heart is stirred by a Biblical truth that touches the very depths of my soul and I offer it to my Maker as a reflection of who I am because of who he is. When my painting is done for the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31), it is fulfilling His purpose in my life.

The painting above of the Work Horse is a tutorial from my DVD class. My daughter loves horses and has wanted to learn to draw them better. We had a lovely Mother/Daughter Date at home working through the DVD lesson on how to draw this horse and then how to watercolor paint it.

Once it was finished the Hosea passage came to mind. I've been meditating on it and have come to accept a necessary time of silence as I wait for the Lord to dig deep into my heart, guide me to surrender what I must, so that He may rain his righteousness on me in my daily life.

The Valley of Vision

Painted July 17, 2010 and inspired by Lidj

Another truth that prompted this soul to respond in watercolors came from my blogging friend Lidj. She just posted a well lived post on "The Valley of Vision." She writes, "We may have shining moments of inspiration on the mountain tops, but most of our lives take place down in the valleys."

Her words and life speak to my hungry heart and I took the time today to climb my mountain for some needed perspective. I made time to read the Word of Life, think, pray, sit in silence, enjoy solitude, and paint the picture above (another tutorial from my DVD class entitled "Down in the Valley"). Read her blog for deep things to ponder. It will bless you.

Rejoice with Me!

2010-07-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
Ephesians 5:15-17

"When people become more heavenly minded, they treasure passing opportunities of this life and become more alive to the present moment."
~ Kenneth Boa in Conformed to His Image

After a morning's quiet time next to my lilies with meditating on the above verse and quote, I was ready to enjoy my summer day with my kids.

Important life events often occur in the midst of ordinary life. After the first day of Vacation Bible School my son asked me some big questions. Initially this was just an attempt to delay the dreaded bedtime.

“Mom, can we listen to one more VBS song?”
“It will need to be a slow, calming one,” I replied.

And so we played the song: Ancient words ever true; changing me, changing you. We have come with open hearts. So, let the ancient words impart. As we sang along he asked what the words in the song meant.

I explained, “Ancient words are the words of God found in the Bible. They change our lives if we read them and put them into practice.” As an example I pointed to a verse that we had put on his wall to help him learn self-control.

“But that is so hard to do!” he exclaimed.

“I know, but you can’t do it in your own strength. Who do you need to go to for help?”

“Jesus,” he answered.

“And what did He have to do to help you with your sin?”

“He died and rose again. But I don’t understand something. If I choose to follow Jesus but then I sin again, do I lose him?”

I honestly didn’t understand his question at first. He struggled to find more words to explain. Through his tears I came to realize that he was afraid he would lose his salvation if he committed any sin once he gave his life to Christ and Jesus cleaned his heart. Thankfully, this showed me he understood the seriousness of sin and that God cannot be in sin’s presence.

I attempted an explanation with an everyday life experience. “When you were born into our family will you ever stop being our son? If you hurt me or sin against me, it will make me feel sad but I will never kick you out of the family. You will always be my child. It works the same way in God’s family. When you ask Jesus to pay the price for your sin, you are born into God‘s family. No one or nothing, not even another sin can take you away from being God‘s child.”

He still didn’t fully understand due to his emotions and the late hour which was past his bedtime. I encouraged him to ask me about it tomorrow and I would be ready with pictures to help him see what it means. “Talk to Jesus about all your worries tonight and then go to sleep.”

We’ve had many similar conversations with him before, and he usually forgets them soon after they‘re over. In order to avoid pushing our children into a decision for Christ prematurely, Matt and I decided that we would wait for the kids to bring the subject up. As parents, we keep each other informed as to the state of the child’s heart after any conversation that took place. Much prayer goes into where to go from there. I’ve often asked God to give me peace when my son is really ready to make the biggest decision of his life. But I decided I wasn’t going to remind him of the previous night’s conversation. He would have to bring it up on his own.

Still, I had to be ready. I spent the morning in prayer and study. I found a few helpful things on the internet by simply searching: “How to Lead a Child to Christ.” One power point presentation (found here: www.nph.com/vcmedia/2362/2362464.ppt ) put my concerned heart to rest as to whether or not Tommy was ready.

I also decided to walk the “Romans Road” with him using his Bible the next time he brought up the question. However, the choice of visuals to help Tommy see the answer to his question concerned me the most.

The tool I've used to show my son the state of his heart when he chooses to sin, or do things his way is our Felt Bible. In my recent post: At Peace with My Lot I explained the deception the enemy uses to convince us that we can be the lord of our own heart. For a time my son struggled to see what was so bad about doing things his way. The attachment of a ball and chain with Satan wearing the crown helped to clear the matter up.

However, I believe the addition of the chain and Satan's presence brought my son's before bedtime question to the surface. He felt that any little sin would kick him out of God's kingdom and back to Satan's realm. I decided that if Tommy gave his heart to Jesus, he could cut the chain.

To show how God's family works I added a God's House where he permanently dwells, even though he will struggle with his sin nature. And Satan, is left out of the house completely.

As I made the felt house I thanked God for His guidance in parenting my "special needs" son. I've struggled to know just what he understands and grasps. God has given me the tools Tommy needs to understand what he is confused by. I truly believe that God gives to every parent the child or children He intends you to guide. He promises to provide wisdom when we lack it, if we ask (James 1:5). He has proved faithful.

After Tuesday’s VBS fun he came home and said, “Mom, I’m ready for you to teach me. Did you do any drawings to help me understand?”

With the aid of my prepared visuals I showed him how God’s family works. As we went to passages in Romans I asked him basic questions about each verse to check for understanding. Romans 8:1, 38-39 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” When he read those verses and understood what they meant, his fears of losing Jesus were put to rest.
I thanked the Lord for how VBS sparked conversations with both my children. A VBS experience at another church had helped our daughter understand the gospel several years ago. For my son it has been 3 years of VBS experiences, consistent Sunday School teaching, our daily looking to God’s word for the answers to life, praying about the struggle to live them, and putting them into practice. Even though I cannot see into my child’s heart the Holy Spirit gave me peace. He was finally ready. His tender, child-like prayer was offered.

Robert D. Troutman says, “Child evangelism is a process in which crisis conversion is preceded by careful Christian teaching and is followed by more teaching or nurturing, which helps children in their Christian experience.” Tommy’s process before his decision has been long. Every child is different, and the teaching and training is still not over.

We’ll mark this life event with a memorial stone (Joshua 4:20-24), a literal rock that he will paint with the date on it. Every year we celebrate their “born again birthday” and talk about how we are seeing them grow to be more like Jesus.

Soul Care

2010-06-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

“We must care for our bodies as though we were going to live forever, but we must care for our souls as if we were to die tomorrow.”
~ Augustine

“The responsibilities and pressures of this world clamor for our attention and tend to squeeze our inner lives and starve our souls.”
~ Kenneth Boa in Conformed to His Image

The summer began two weeks ago but I feel like I’ve lived a month of events. The responsibilities and possible activities that surround my children during this time can easily squeeze my soul dry.

If I neglect the challenge to teach and train my children to transition from a busy school year to a relaxed summer schedule I will resent them.

The un-interrupted quiet time I have when the kids are at school give me mornings at the throne of grace. Those peaceful hours help me focus on the things that matter.

“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things,” Psalm 107:8-9.

Looking at the summer looming ahead I knew I needed a renewed vision for motherhood. Holly Elliff’s session from the True Woman Conference 2010 provided me with a big picture perspective, convicted my heart attitude, and challenged me to see every summer day as a precious, diamond day with my kids.

The book of 1 Peter holds a special place in my heart and Holly walked through the entire book to show us the distinctive life we are called to live. These distinctive characteristics must be understood and lived out before we can pass them on to our kids.

When preparing to take off in an airplane, the flight attendants point out the safety features. If the oxygen masks drop, what are you supposed to do? Place it on yourself before helping your child. Holly says, “As we respond to God’s promptings in our own life, then we have a platform in which to launch instruction for our children.”

1 Peter touches on areas that God has been bringing up in my life:
* Focus on the living hope that you have in Christ in the midst of various trials (1 Pet. 1:3-8)
* Remember that you are a living stone, growing up to be a spiritual house (1 Pet. 2:5). This is a long process.

She illustrated the living stone analogy by describing a family outing to a cave. Parts of the cave were living where there were stalagmites and stalactites growing because of the steady, but slow drips of water which pick up mineral deposits. The long and timely process for me to be built up into a spiritual house must be patiently endured.

My parallel application in engaging in a process is learning to watercolor paint. At present I’m stuck and frustrated. This painting is my finished tutorial of St. Michael’s Mount in Cornwall, England. It has a two-stage sky that I could not get quite right. I feel like that boat stuck in the mud because the tide has gone out. However, I know that with more practice, I will get better at controlling the amount of water with paint, just as the tide will come back for the boat to set sail again. I need to remain willing to engage with the process.

Holly explains what is needed, “Humility is the key that opens the door of grace in my life, so that God’s Spirit can do his job within me. That job is to enable me to desire God’s will and then do it.” God’s will in my life for this summer is to embrace the process of learning to enjoy the moments I have to teach and to train my children.

Holly defines training as: “ingrained teaching that has been absorbed but still requires help to stay on the path so that it works its way in to become almost automatic.” Training is also a slow and steady process.

I’ve held unrealistic expectations of teaching and training. If I don’t know something, I must be taught. It may take several lessons or sessions to learn something before I understand it. However, if a new idea is caught, I expected myself or my children to apply it without wavering. Life is messy and complicated. Parenting has illustrated this for me, if nothing else. My frustration in the slow drip of water and little progress made with that mineral deposit on the stalagmite reveals my impatient nature and faulty assumptions.

Apart from the Holy Spirit, I do not have the character traits to teach and train well, or enjoy the moments of pouring into their lives. Fortunately, I do not have to be perfect. Mistakes are made, sins are committed, and confessions are given. Holly said, “When we live transparent lives it is like we are giving our kids GPS systems to navigate the path to life.”

The Shepherdess by Johann Baptist Hofner @ allposters.com

“Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you…not domineering over those in you charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory…Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble,” (1 Pet. 5:2-4, 5b).

I have a little flock to lead and I’m called to be an example to these two. Since the summer began I’ve managed to walk in the Spirit some days while others have been clouded by the pressures of life. I’ve stumbled in front of them and confessed where needed.

Every so often I’m reminded at how quickly time is flying and my children are growing up. The moments I have with them are as precious as diamonds. Frustrating circumstances and endless needs often make me careless. I drop the diamond opportunities and in anger I don’t care. If I continue in this way, my soul will be empty and I will regret my temporary perspective once they are grown and gone.

Augustine’s wisdom reminds me, “We must care for our bodies as though we were going to live forever, but we must care for our souls as if we were to die tomorrow.” This day may include grocery shopping or a gym workout that cares for my body but I must be on the lookout for the diamond moment to care for my soul.

Christians Never Say Goodbye

2010-06-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

"A friend is someone how knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten how it goes."

~ D. Roberts

A separation is about to take place between a dear, cherished friend and myself. The wide expanse of the Atlantic Ocean and the breadth of two continents will come between us. While taking into account the differing time zones, we anticipate some webcam/skype appointments. It will be good to catch up a little but our lives are diverging and things will never be the same. Our uninterrupted conversations at the The Tea Zone will be sorely missed.

We met in a small group, a Community Life Group that was put together by the staff at our church. People who live fairly close together were set up to meet in a home during the week to study the Bible, pray for one another, and just do life together.

We hosted and originally led the group in our home. It was a little crazy because the kids came too. We kept them in the back family room/kitchen area and the adults met behind glass-paned French doors in the living room. Birsen came with her two year old who would sit just behind the doors, longing to be with her parents. My kids did all they could to coax little Lucia to come and play with them. Her Mommy (pregnant with their son) would often sit on the carpet, just on the other side of the doors. She would go to her daughter when the wails reached a certain volume.

What attracted me to Birsen that led me to pursue her by taking evening “Mommy Breaks” at a coffee shop, was her unique perspective on life that was primarily due to her background. She comes from a Turkish father and an Italian mother who raised her in Switzerland. She lived in Canada for a time and married an American. She speaks Italian in her home. Her children are bilingual and are now working on a third language to move back to Switzerland. Her home has an open door policy that welcomes drop in visits and any foreigners who now live in America gravitated toward this family. She knows how to make anyone feel right at home.

She spoke my love language of quality time (5 Love Languages). We got together on Friday nights to go to Starbucks for coffee or tea and a very long talk.

Initially, I did most of the talking and Birsen loved asking questions that would take the conversation deeper into what she was interested in regarding spiritual growth, theology, parenting, marriage, and general life stuff. With time and discipline to hold my tongue, I was able to draw her out and hear her unique story of how she came to know the Lord and met and married Gunnar.

The following year my health deteriorated and I was eventually diagnosed with fibromyalgia. We had to ask others to host the group. This family did it. The leadership of the group was eventually passed to this couple as well. Even though ministry and health related issues took us out of attending the weekly small group, Birsen and I continued getting together.

The memories of play dates, barbecues and birthdays, watching 4th of July fireworks, tea parties, and our “Mommy Breaks” are held dear. Birsen worked around my health limitations to try to still get together. Her willingness to do extra work so that we could still have that quality time spoke of her appreciation of our friendship.

Commissioning Dedication At Good Shepherd Community Church
September 2006

As our family began a life transition from the church we met at to another my Birsen was able to carry the burden with me. She listened through the my struggles of letting go and being ready for a greater ministry opportunity.

Once we moved from the east suburbs of Portland to the west suburbs, she proposed we meet downtown. The halfway point for us both was found at a charming and modern tea shop, The Tea Zone. She worked her schedule to fit mine when our times were at risk of having to give it up.

Our last Tea Zone appointment is set and I am wondering how you say, “See you until the next time we meet,” when it feels like a goodbye. In the book A Severe Mercy, the author had a special friendship with C. S. Lewis. On their last earthly meeting he said, "I shan't say goodbye. We'll meet again, here or --there....Christians never say goodbye!" Holding onto an eternal perspective is tough when the separation is bitter. Life on this earth is short and I may yet see her again before Christ returns.

Birsen’s perspective on church life, on doing community and feeling connected to one another has been an asset in my life. She would return from her 3 month stay in Switzerland full of the small village life and how the church there has such a closeness. But then she would realize the church there doesn’t have solid and deep biblical teaching like she experiences here. She wanted the best of both worlds. So do I. In her friendship, I feel like I've had a little of the best of both worlds, a foretaste Heaven.

She has often felt displaced, like she doesn’t belong anywhere. I’ve often told her that feeling is supposed to be in the hearts of all believers. We are strangers and aliens, sojourners in this world (Hebrews 11:13). The eternal kingdom, God’s New Heaven and New Earth will be the place that will finally feel like home. We will rejoice together there in a special way for the life experience we’ve walked together here on this broken and fallen world.

Gently Led by a Powerful God

2010-06-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

Koosah Falls on the McKenzie River

"Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever present help."
~ Sarah Young in Jesus Calling

Upon my arrival to Belknap Hot Springs Lodge and Resort I was struck by the powerful sound of the McKenzie River. My past visit was in late August when the river was at it’s lowest. Late spring may be when the river and waterfalls are at their fullest.

The powerful movement and sound of the water made me stand in awe of His almighty strength. I came in my weakness, needing to be healed and filled. He made me see His omnipotence. I rest in the palm of His mighty hand. I can feel secure and safe because even though He is so strong, he is gentle with me.

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. Isaiah 40:10-11

When I go on these Solitary Retreats I often bring instrumental hymns with me and a few choice songs with words. As I was meditating on the above quote and verse Chris Tomlin’s song, “All the Way My Savior Leads Me” came on.

All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide

All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread

You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me

All the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way

Sarah Young wrote, “Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever present help.”

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Matt 5:3

The ESV Study Bible Note says, “the poor in spirit are those who recognize they are in need of God’s help.”

My prayer:
Father, I am in need of your help. The shoulder and neck pain continue even as I sketch and watercolor paint. I will choose to not be discouraged but engage in the process of changing postural positions and slowing down to enjoy the moment. I want my physical weakness to be a door that I let your presence enter through. My default is to figure out how I can fix it. You want me dependent and to acknowledge that you are my ever present help. The help doesn’t always come in relief of the pain but often in a shift of my perspective and a good conversation with you! Your presence is then called upon as I surrender my independent spirit and rely on your guidance in the moment. Help me rest in your strong arms.

Sarah Young writes, “Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness.”

This word picture of a golden cord of hope is taking shape in my mind. I need to sketch and paint it someday. Jesus, show me how to bear Your yoke which is easy and Your burden which is light (Matt.11:30).

My husband preached a sermon on the Doctrine of Hope (The Foundry: Doctrine of Hope - March 14, 2010). In it he mentioned that hope is rooted in faith. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

“Faith is the conviction of something we can’t see. Hope is the anticipation of seeing it come about.” ~ Matt Guerino

Hope is not wishful thinking as our secular world defines it. “I hope I win the lottery;” or “I hope the weather will be fine for our camping trip.” There is no certainty in those things.

Titus 1:2-3 say, “in hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began and at the proper time manifested in his word through the preaching with which I have been entrusted by the command of God our Savior.”

Biblical hope is secure due to the character of God and the promise of His Word. I can anticipate eternal life, a hope that encompasses an end to all suffering because He has promised to redeem this fallen world. I long for the return of Christ and his promise to restore that which has been broken by our rebellion and sin.

I plan a Solitary Retreat to foster that biblical hope. In a beautiful location which is a foretaste of God’s redeemed earth, I can rest and have my perspective renewed.

When I’m reminded that my faith is rooted in God’s immutable (unchanging) character and I hold onto the promises in His word, I am able to cling to that golden cord of hope with a firm grip. Jesus bears the burdens that I brought with me and I’m free to be filled with his gentle love and tender mercy. He leads me all the way.

“You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment. As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me.” ~ Sarah YoungSahalie Falls on the McKenzie River

Moss covered rocks lined the muddy trail to the waterfalls. I was guided by spongy green markings and the majestic sound of the McKenzie River. The turquoise color of the water surrounded by rushing white foam is unique to that part of the river between Sahalie Falls and Koosah Falls.

My conversation with the Father:
I feel your strength alongside me in the power of the rushing, white foaming river! You are always beside me and yet I often forget or doubt. It is as if when the mist comes in and obscures my vision, I can’t see you. Pain does that but here you give me the sound of the waters. I need to keep your Words of Truth spoken or sung to me during such times. Thank you for the instrumental hymns that I brought along. As I rest on an ice pack with my neck pain I can listen to the gentle reminders of your unchanging character and steadfast promises.

"When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money - consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts on the present moment. This is where you are meant to live - in the present: it is the place where I always await you. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me. The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness."

~From the book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Thank you Debby @Markings in the Wood for the timely quotes from your reading that I took with me on my retreat.

As it is my desire to grow in letting go of my product driven assessment of how I am growing in Christ to more of a process spirituality, God gave me the weekend to live that out. I struggled with fluctuating pain and had to assess the moment over and over again. I had to call on his strength and tender mercy and learn to relax.

I had no one else’s needs to attend to and was able to do this with some success. I’m back home and am caring for my husband, children, and the house. I’m struggling with living in the moment and enjoying the process of living. I must remember Sarah’s reminder that when a basic need is lacking, Christ is calling on me to depend on him right then and there. I have to concentrate on putting all my energy and effort into relying on him for what is needed. I often run to use what little strength I have and I always come up short.

Ken Boa writes, “To follow Christ is to move into territory that is unknown to us and to count on his purposeful guidance…It is to learn to respond to God’s providential care in deepening ways and to accept the pilgrim character of earthly existence with its uncertainties, setbacks, disappointments, surprises, and joys. It is to remember that we are in a process of gradual conformity to the image of Christ so that we can love and serve others along the way.”

I realize that this journey of learning to accept the process is not coming easy to me. My nature is fighting it. I’m thankful that God in his grace will not give up on conforming me to the image of his Son.

The Pressure to Accomplish Snuffs Out the Pleasure of Being God's Child

2010-06-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

Peasant Woman Threading a Needle by Jules Breton

“To live in the past and future is easy. To live in the present is like threading a needle.”
~ Walter Percy in Lancelot

In his book Conformed to His Image Kenneth Boa explains, “For many people, life has become so filled with if-only of the future that today becomes an inconvenient obstacle in the path of reaching tomorrow…We have a natural tendency to invest our energies in goals and accomplishments we hope to achieve in the days ahead. The problem is that even when we are able to attain these ends, we are already thinking of the next one. Thus, by moving from one product to product, we are rarely alive to the realities of the present.”

Our secular world puts value on accomplishments. These achievements define who you are. Boa says, “In our society, we increasingly tend to be human doings rather than human beings.”

As a follower of Christ my identity and significance are rooted in who I am in Him, a state of being, not doing (2 Corinthians 5:17). As a result of who I am in Christ, I will do things out of gratitude and love for my Lord.

The world’s grid or standard to judge a person’s value often dislodges the biblical one in my head. This is where I begin to set goals that will achieve a certain end or product. If I can lead or even attend a woman’s Bible study for so many weeks, or make it through the summer by continuing some basic education goals with my children, or teach them some life skills (cooking, cleaning, balancing a checkbook, etc.), then I’m an accomplished and mature Christian woman at this stage in my life. I’m judging my growth in Christ by the products I think I should produce.

Even if I attain the desired goals I will be consumed with planning the next achievement. Boa said, “Thus by moving from product to product, we are rarely alive to the realities of the present.”

There is an increased discontentment about the present. I’m beginning to understand this product driven spirituality is at the root of it. I don’t allow myself to step back and rejoice in things like: the school year’s accomplishments or my daughter’s recent baptism (done by my hubby). I’m so busy looking at the future’s nearest hurdles. It is a treadmill that I want to get off of because I’m exhausted and I’m getting no where!

Boa writes, “From a biblical perspective, our fundamental choice should be to know and become like the Lord Jesus. This choice is compatible with living in the present, the only point at which time intersects eternity. This aspiration animates our present, makes us alive to the process of daily experience, and informs our planning.”
My heart has cried out in prayer for some time now, “How do I do this? How do I stop the focus of attaining a product so that I might enjoy more of a daily process?” God’s answer to my heart has come with a reminder and a new application.

The Reminder:
Our deepest need as people was created by God to know and enjoy Him, Our Creator. The process to come to know and enjoy the Creator is a journey.

This journey is why I love the Hinds’ Feet on High Places book. I relate to Much-Afraid’s adventures in every chapter. John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress is another good book (my next read) encouraged by Ken Boa. He writes, “To follow Christ is to move into territory that is unknown to us and to count on his purposeful guidance…It is to learn to respond to God’s providential care in deepening ways and to accept the pilgrim character of earthly existence with its uncertainties, setbacks, disappointments, surprises, and joys. It is to remember that we are in a process of gradual conformity to the image of Christ so that we can love and serve others along the way.”

My New Application:

I’m learning to watercolor paint. This new hobby requires a willingness to engage in the process of learning and creating. I love to get outside in God’s magnificent Creation. I struggle to find words of gratitude for what I see and experience. I want to paint some of it as a gift of love back to Him. To sit in silence and soak up what the created order says about God fills my soul like no other. Sketching a scene, and then re-living it later by painting it, will help me revel in God's creation without being consumed with the final product.

The only danger I see in this new project is my perfectionist tendency. I will be critical and judge an end product (any painting) and be discouraged enough to give it up. But the teacher in my DVD course has encouraged the students to keep everything, so that we can see the progress of our skills.

I’ve begun the tutorials with this in mind and I’m realizing that God’s choice of medium (watercolors) will help me dislodge the “get everything perfect” mentality. When you mix paint and apply it to the paper it will change once it is dry. So, the very aspect of not seeing exactly what will appear at the end is already a huge frustration to me. This forces me to relax and enjoy the journey while waiting for the surprise of the end result. I’m not sure if this makes sense to you but God is refining a particularly hard edge to my surface.

Learning to paint with watercolor forces me to live in the present and enjoy the moment. The parallel to this is in my journey to become more like Christ which is a gradual development. Boa concludes, “The process of genuine response to what God is doing in our lives is more critical than the visible product.” So, my attitude toward the mistakes in a painting will be like fighting God on not seeing a tangible product in my growth in Him.

This weekend I’m going on a Solitary Retreat to let the Lord love on me through the beauty of nature near a lovely river, and in a hidden garden. I will be soaking in the hot springs and walking the trail to the waterfalls. My sketchbook and painting supplies will join me as I respond to my Creator in love and in the sheer enjoyment of His presence.

In a Garden

The kiss of the sun for pardon
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God’s heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth.

~ Dorothy F.B. Gurney

A Desire for the Gift or the Giver

2010-05-31T08:07:00.000-07:00

Child Wrapping Presents by Jessie Wilcox Smith

Courtesy of All Posters. com

"A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover, as the love of the giver. He esteems the affection above the gift, and values every gift far below the Beloved."
~ Thomas A' Kempis in The Imitation of Christ

Have you ever noticed that the wishing and yearning for a gift tends to be sweeter than finally receiving it? My youngest just had a birthday. He began compiling a wish list of desired birthday presents right after the novelty of his Christmas gifts wore off around January 1st! The anticipation of something new creates an unrealistic expectation. Nothing can measure up to what we want it to be.

"If people find such an approach to life deeply fulfilling, if when lying awake alone in bed at night they feel not the slightest urge to ask, 'Is that all there is?' then they have their answer. But, though they hardly ever dare to be vulnerable enough to admit it, there is something deep within that remains empty for all that matter can do; when they do look at humanity long and hard and honestly from the inside, they are forced to admit that the material and temporal can titillate and entertain, can distract life from pain for awhile but cannot justify its existence," writes Donald T. Williams in Mere Humanity.

A segment of Christianity has done much the same thing: seeking material things to be happy but bringing God into the equation. My preaching husband calls it:

"Genie Christianity: If you rub Aladdin's lamp, out pops the genie and you get your wish. If you rub the Bible right, out pops Jesus and he gives you what you want. How do you rub the Bible? Well you tithe, read the Bible, pray, and live a moral life.

You may be thinking, 'I don't believe in that?' But what happens when the 'wheels fall off' in your life. Things go wrong: an incurable illness, a wayward child, a lost job, ...'I don't get this God. I study the Bible, I give, I go to church, I serve. I don't do it legalistically; it is genuine. I'm pursuing you!'

'So what is wrong? Are you trying to punish me?' This is a very normal reaction to have but we have to be careful. Because if we are not, we may have slipped into thinking that God is kind of like a genie. Or perhaps he's like the (very New Age-ish) idea of the Force in Star Wars. If I tap into God in just the right way I can manipulate Him to get what I want. And if I think I'm doing the right thing and bad things are happening I start to question it. We approach God as if he is electricity and our lives are like an appliance. If I plug myself into God, then good things happen. But God is not a genie, a force, or electricity.

If we are thinking biblically then we don't approach him or conceive of our faith in Christ as plugging into power that can be harnessed. We approach Him as a him, a person. The One who made us. The One, not a thing. The person who made us and loves us. The greatest Him in the universe who died to redeem us and who understands what suffering is in a broken world."

In Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard, Much Afraid thinks her life would be better if she didn't live in the Valley of Humiliation but in the high places found in the Kingdom of Love. She initially wanted the gift the Shepherd promised her, the hinds feet that will get her to the high places easily. The natural, human love growing in her heart declares a condition: I love you for what you can give or do for me. That is what prompted her to take the long and arduous journey so she could have what she thought would bring her happiness or fulfillment.

At the Grave on the Mountains, Much Afraid was asked to sacrifice her very desire. Sacrifice the promise for the hinds feet and pull out the natural, human love that was growing in her heart. Those were the very things that motivated her to begin the journey. All her hope relied upon them. However, she knew she would still have the Shepherd himself. She finally longed for the giver and not the gift.

We were made for the Giver. The enemy has distracted our focus to redefine happiness, purpose and fulfillment. But, if we are honest with ourselves stuff or even accomplishments according to the world's standards don't satisfy. We were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) to commune with God and to find our purpose in His plan for the world. How does He (Isaiah 64:8; Romans 9:21) see me fitting in it?

When we begin to fall out of love for stuff and accomplishments, we can embrace the King of Love and Life. Only then will He be able to reveal Himself as our hearts desire. Much Afraid found that she could not tear the weed of the conditional love growing in her heart. The priest of the altar had to do it....the Shepherd himself did it. She had not the strength and she knew she would resist.

I'm resisting this process again. I believe I have identified a deeper significance issue in my heart. I know it doesn't satisfy but I can't tear it out. I have to allow myself to be bound to the altar, willingly bound so that Jesus can pull the lie out of the depths of my heart. The roots grow deep and it is painful to think of it being torn out. For true love to grow there....a love for my heart's real desire, for God himself with no conditions on what He will do for me or what He can give me. That weed must be pulled.

The weed seems to survive in chapped and unfulfilled ground. Much like the weeds that grow in the crevices in the sidewalk. Roots go so deep, they manage to find some earth underneath and what little rain water falls there is enough to flourish in. So, just one little thought towards longing and wishes or expectations of what I thought life would be like in this season is enough for such a weed to take root. I have to stop those thoughts at the door of my mind.

"The beginning of all temptation is an unstable mind and lack of trust in God. We often do not know what we can bear, but temptation reveals our true nature. We need especially to be on our guard at the very onset of temptation, for then the Enemy may be more easily overcome, if he is not allowed to enter the gates of the mind: he must be repulsed at the threshold, as soon as he knocks," Thomas A' Kempis in The Imitation of Christ.

How is this a temptation? It is a temptation to believe the lie that my thoughts and plans for my life are better than God's. It is a temptation to put my way above God's, to put myself on my heart's throne rather than my Lord. To believe the lie of the enemy that he whispered to Eve in the garden. The lie that made her think God was holding out on her and that she would be better off deciding life for herself, independent from Him.

For me, the lie is a simple comparison of my life to another woman's life. Wishing I could do certain things she does or have more children like she has are the very thoughts I need to stop at my mind's door. For it is there that I become discontent with my lot and begin arguing with my Maker. Depression ensues and then a crippling effect. The Enemy wins by discouraging me from seeing the value in what God does have me doing and I then neglect it.

So, I pray:
My precious Savior, there is a weed that is growing back in my heart that I cannot pull out. I need you to do it. Bind me so that I will not falter or resist. I want to know You as my heart's desire, You alone. May my heart sing:

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,
As in Thy presence humbly I bow.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!
Power, all power, surely is Thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me.

Trusting When It Doesn't Make Sense

2010-05-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

"Banish discouragement from your heart as best you can, and if trouble comes, never let it depress or hinder you for long. At the least, bear it bravely if you cannot bear it cheerfully. Even if you are reluctant to bear it, and feel indignant, yet control yourself, and let no rash words escape you that may harm Christ's little ones. The violence of your feelings will soon subside, and grace return to heal your inner pains. 'I live,' says the Lord, 'ready to help and comfort you more than ever, if you will trust Me and call on Me with devotion.'"
~ Thomas A' Kempis
The Imitation of Christ

When I'm struggling with pain but there are many hours in the day to live out (sleep is a huge release), I find a progression in my thought process with a fork in the road where a decision is made. If my actions to provide some pain relief fail I begin to be discouraged. This leads to depressed feelings.

The fork in the road is to bear the pain indignantly or bravely. To walk down the indignant or rebellious path leads to lashing out through my heated emotions, saying harsh things to those around me, and producing much harm. To walk the brave path, though reluctant to go down it, is to believe that my violent feelings will subside. I remove myself from reacting to irritating circumstances so I can be self-controlled over my tongue. A place of brief solitude makes me run to my Savior for help as I endure the pain and the remaining hours in the day. In those moments of tearful prayers I find Him tenderly walking with me.

The Thomas A' Kempis quote above is Christ speaking to his disciple. I love it because it validates the human struggle in the midst of a trial. I've made the mistake in thinking I can only be victorious in bearing a trial if it is done cheerfully and bravely with absolutely NO violent or depressed feelings. Feelings are not sinful but they can be the gateway to the fork in the road: depend on God or rebel and be independent.

Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is an allegory of growing to become more like Christ. Hannah was inspired by the gazelles she saw as they leaped up mountainsides and overcame obstacles with ease. The main character, Much-Afraid, began her journey with a promise from the Shepherd to have feet like the gazelles or hinds. She wanted to leap up to the Kingdom of Love with ease just as her Shepherd is able. At one difficult part of her journey she is asked to take the promise the Shepherd first gave her and the natural human love in her heart (a flower growing there that she thought the Shepherd planted) and offer them as a burnt offering. The natural human love in her heart was the desire to be made lovely so that she could be loved in return. She was to sacrifice the very things that made her step out of her comfort zone and travel this arduous journey. It didn't make any sense to her.

The days that I deal with pain which require me to seek the help from others to do the very tasks I wanted to complete feels like the command the Shepherd gave to Much-Afraid. I thought I was to be the wife, mother, home-maker in this season of my life. Why can't God just give me enough health to do it? He seems to be asking me to sacrifice the very thing I thought He called me to do.

At this point in Much-Afraid's journey she has traveled far and collected stones to remember the lessons and promises she has learned along the way. She is in a cave waiting for a torrential rain storm to pass before going to the altar.

"Much-Afraid went over the stones of promise amidst a terrible storm. She was tempted to throw them all away. But she heard, 'Thou has a little strength, and hast not denied my name...Hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown,' (Rev. 3: 8 & 11). And she replied by picking up the eleventh stone: 'Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him.' (Job 13:15)."

Her cave is like my escape to my room when I'm agitated. I rehearse what I know of my Lord and that He remains unchanged while I waver in the midst of pain. I can then heed the advice of Hosea:

“Come, let us return to the Lord;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.

Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth.”
Hosea 6: 1 & 3

O LORD,
Help me to honour thee by believing before I feel,
for great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith…

Strengthen me to pray with the conviction
that whatever I receive is thy gift,
so that I may pray until prayer be granted;

Teach me to believe that all degrees of mercy arise
from several degrees of prayer,
that when faith is begun it is imperfect and must grow,
as chapped ground opens wider and wider until rain comes.

~ Excerpt from the Puritan Prayer, “The Divine Will”

I may not fully understand the sacrifice that He asks of me but my small faith will grow. I want it opened wide like chapped ground. So that when the rain comes and I begin to understand His working in my life I am ready to be filled to the very core of my being.

At Peace with My Lot

2010-05-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

“Whether it be higher or lower, a prosperous or afflicted state: be content that Christ should both choose your work, and choose your condition; that he should have the command of you, and the disposal of you: make me what you will, Lord, and set me where you will…I put myself wholly into your hands: put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will; put me to doing, put me to suffering, let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you, exalted for you, or trodden under foot for you; let me be full, let me be empty, let me have all things, let me have nothing, I freely and heartily resign all to your pleasure and disposal.” ~ John Wesley, Covenant Renewal Service

To be happy with one's lot, especially if it is a low and debased state can feel like imprisonment. In his novel Little Dorrit, Charles Dickens deals with this theme. Amy Dorrit, the main character was born in a debtor's prison due to her father's mismanaging his wealth. Of all the members of the family, Amy is the only one who accepts her lot in life. As Dickens describes her,

"she was inspired to be something which was not what the rest were, and to be that something, different and laborious, for the sake of the rest. Inspired? Yes. Shall we speak of the inspiration of a poet or a priest, and not of the heart impelled by love and self-devotion to the lowliest work in the lowliest way of life!"

Dickens was a master painter with words. Little Dorrit's situation is a desperate one. She was allowed to come and go from the prison but the meals are not provided for and she had to find some work to feed herself and her father.

"No matter through what mistakes and discouragements, ...through how much weariness and hopelessness, and how many secret tears; she drudged on,...and bore in her own heart the anxieties and shames," writes Dickens.

I relate to her (even beyond the shared name) because I feel I have my own imprisonment in chronic pain. You have yours in any trial, grief, unemployment, emotional strain, etc. I feel limited in what I can do or be. This is where a choice in perspective takes place. I can choose to be bitter and beaten down like all the other characters in Little Dorrit who have personal imprisonments, or I can see it as a divinely chosen position.

My husband put together a week's study found at the Colson Center the fleshes out the Wesley quote above with many biblical passages and questions for further thought: The Prostrate Life. This study has taken me through passages that talk of Christ's headship (Col. 1:15-18), that describe Peter's struggle in comparing his lot of suffering to another disciple's (John 21:18-22), another that showcases Job's attitude toward his stripped status (Job 1:20-21), and a few more. If you are struggling in your perspective with where you find your life right now I'd encourage you to download and print the study. Take time with the passages and questions. God's Word has such a refining way of purging our hearts of the errors we hold onto and uplifting us to God's bigger plan.

My husband says in the study, "To follow Jesus means to submit to His authority as king, and to accept both good and bad, pleasure as well as pain." We have a tool in our house to help our children see the choices (Col. 3:5-17; Eph. 4:22-24) they make flow from their heart's throne. Jesus is either king there or I am. As children of the king we do not have to be enslaved by sin (Rom. 6:12-14; Col. 1:13-14). We can be servants or slave to a loving king (Rom. 6:18).

Where the enemy deceives us is that he makes it sound like we can be king of our own lives and be free from all enslavement. Romans 6:20 actually shows us we are only free from restraining our sinful passions and having to live according to a moral standard. However, we are in bondage to those passions and ultimately to Satan. Jesus temptation to bow down to the Prince of the World had only two choices: Satan or his Heavenly Father (Luke 4:5-8). He couldn't be independent of the two realms and create his own kingdom. Our post-modern culture says to shake off all restraints is complete freedom. According to the Bible that is a lie. To make sure our children understand this: hidden at the back of the "Me" throne is a ball and chain that shows Satan is king. When we rebel we agree with the dominion of rebellion and become a servant to it's king.

There is a King of Love and Life that says, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it," (Matt. 16:24-25). My lot in those terms are just a down payment to finding life. But I know that true rest will not come until my Lord returns or takes me home.

"Without Him no one can understand or judge aright. But the man to whom all things are one, who refers everything to One, and who sees everything as in One, is enabled to remain steadfast in heart, and abide at peace with God," Thomas A' Kempis in The Imitation of Christ.

Lately, I've realized how I cannot even assess my own situation without God's insight and guidance. I try to refer everything that I am and do to the One on my heart's throne. To be God-centered in all things challenges me to pray John Wesley's prayer:

"I put myself wholly into your hands: put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will; put me to doing, put me to suffering, let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you, exalted for you, or trodden under foot for you; let me be full, let me be empty, let me have all things, let me have nothing, I freely and heartily resign all to your pleasure and disposal.”

When I first encountered this quote and prayer I was convicted in my unwillingness to be "laid aside" for God. I have felt just that, set aside to suffer. I have managed to maintain my priorities in working on my health so that I can minister to my husband and family. However, I have felt cut off from doing anything in the church for God's glory. Just when I could finally pray this prayer I began to see God bringing divine appointments of ministry. One time kind of touches that encourage individuals in the body of Christ.

There is a temptation though to define my significance for ministry outside the home. I've fallen prey to believing that lie before. God is glorified in me by simply being his child, bearing his image (Gen. 1:27), and enjoying him. Spurgeon said, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." The outflow of that satisfaction spills over into my home making, the support of my husband, and the rearing of my children. And if there is energy, health, and time left I will have some of Jesus to impart to others.

Edith Schaeffer said of the family,

"The family is like a door which has both a lock and hinges. The door will be locked to meet the needs of the family, fist the husband- wife relationship, then the relationships with the children. Then the door's hinges are open to welcome others in to be ministered to by the family," (What is a Family?).

This is a part of our family's mission statement. It keeps me focused on the priorities in my life. The lock is used more often than the hinges due to my health.

Lately, the hinges have had some extended use. God has swung the door open to welcome in an acquaintance that is seeking a deeper meaning out of life than the one the world defines which is shallow. He has opened the door to for my husband and I to walk with another family who has just lost mom and grandmother to cancer. He's brought a new widow to my tea table. He has allowed our family to minister to another ministry family in transition. Through email He has given me the opportunity to pray for a new mom of a special needs child that I can relate to. I'm amazed at these unique circumstances that have happened on a weekly basis and I've been able to balance the other priorities to do them.

However, after special moments of ministry I do feel depleted and in need of solace. Burdens shared with others can easily weigh me down and I can become ineffective in my primary role as wife, mother, and home maker. Thomas A' Kempis writes, "If it pleases you to hear the news of the world, you must always suffer disquiet of heart as a result." Such a heart needs the Shepherd's gentle guidance back to green pastures and clear waters (Psalm 23).

My soul is restored when I use my hinds' feet to leap up to the high places (Hab. 3:19). Such leaping does take some work and discipline. I've found that my computer is like a door to the news of the world: email, blogs, facebook status updates. The needs of others I cannot manage in the morning. I need to ascend to the high places and commune with the Shepherd to be filled with his love. Only then, will I have something that can spill over to refresh others.

The Water Song (in Hinds' Feet on High Places) is what the waterfall sings. It goes down to the Valley of Humiliation joyfully which puzzled Much Afraid because she was being called to the high places. This song is the inspiration to my blog. I'm now learning how to really live it:

Come, oh come - let us away,
Lower, lower every day,
Oh, joy it is to race
Down to find the lowest place.
This is the dearest law we know -
"It is happy to go low."
Sweetest urge and sweetest will,
"Let us go down lower still."

Hear the summons night and day
Calling us to come away.
From the heights we leap and flow
To the valleys down below.
Always answering to the call,
To the lowest place of all.
Sweetest urge and sweetest pain,
To go low and rise again.

On the Lighter Side

2010-04-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

Mirth is God's medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it.
~Henry Ward Beecher

Life has been difficult lately but a good laugh helps, even if just a little. An acquaintance from our previous church often posts some pretty witty things. I was a little concerned with this post: Doctor, Doctor, give me the news! but as I continued reading I realized there was nothing physically wrong with her or her husband....it was THE DOG! The indignity of having to where a cone is communicated through a dog's face. I got a good laugh.

Our little dog can relate because she pretty much lives in her cone. Allergies (food and everything outside) makes her want to scratch till she is bloody raw and working on an ear infection. So, with allergy injections and the cone we manage to keep her comfortable enough.

Matt wrote a charming song which also made me laugh! If you can forgive the lack of reverence for a well known hymn, you may get a giggle from it too:

To the tune of "Crown Him With Many Crowns:"

Crowned with the Cone of Shame
It's stuck upon my head
To stop me scratching all the itch
I'll have until I'm dead

'Cause you won't take it off
Indignity I'll bear
Despite my sighs and forlorn looks
This lamp shade I must wear
-----------------------------

She also does a little Sit and Spin Dance when things are really bad.

She really is a sweet companion and she gets a break from her cone of shame when someone is sitting with her or watching very closely. Poor Rosie! Unfortunately, she can't have any care packages sent for sympathy because she can't eat anything other than her horrid kibble!

The Refining Process

2010-04-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

"As fire melts unrefined silver, bringing the impurities to the surface, so trials bring the 'scum' to the top of your life. When you praise God in the midst of a trial, you cooperate with His plan to remove the scum; when you complain, your resist His plan and stir the impurities right back into your character."

~ Ruth Myers in 31 Days of Praise

"In this [your salvation mentioned in 1 Peter 1:3-5] you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire --may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ," (1 Peter 1:6-7).

God uses physical pain as an instrument in my life to surface the impurity of my self-sufficiency. The aches and emotional waves wake me up to the reality that I need Him....not just for healing or relief but for endurance in the midst of pain and for a clear understanding of my purpose in it.

My sinful nature wants to be independent by doing things without help. That may just look like being a responsible adult and I often use this rationale to excuse my behavior. But God has shown me my heart. I often rebel at his purpose for humanity to be dependent on Him to the praise of His glory. The words that can come out of my mouth are often a symptom of my heart. Such complaints only stir up the impurities all the more. Thankfully, my God is patient with me and continues to remain with me through the fire.

In Malachi 3:3 God talks about refining his people, a purification process that is painful but necessary to be a people that reflect their God. There is a story about a woman who wanted to better understand the process of refining precious metals, specifically silver. The author is unknown and the story is open to public domain. It is told like this:

"...That week the woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that, in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then she thought again about the verse, that He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's the easy part -- when I see my image reflected in it." The Refiner's Touch

My Gracious Father wants to see the image of his Son in my life. I do too. So, as I continue to walk with pain and guard my heart from complaining he will be with me in that hot process. I can be at peace with that fact.

"All our peace in this present life should depend on humble forbearance rather than on absence of adversity. He who knows the secret of endurance will enjoy the greatest peace." ~ Thomas A' Kempis in The Imitation of Christ.

Purity or Depression?

2010-04-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

Dannah Gresh seeks to help girls save their secret (their intoxicating female sexuality) for marriage. I love how she has gone about dealing with the subject in very practical ways by showing the medical research of those girls who have not restrained their sexuality. She writes in an article, "the recent brain research that gives evidence that a unique bond is created in the deep limbic system of the brain when two people have sex, and that when this bond is broken because a couple doesn't stay together, it leads to emotional depression."

This reminds me of a wonderful illustration of how God intended sex to work. Dr. J. Budziszewski (aka Professor Theophilus) gets together with college students to answer their questions. The subject of sex before marriage came up, "What is wrong with fooling around before you settle down in marriage?" Prof. Theophilus asked for some duct tape and then a young man's arm. He placed a six-inch piece of duct tape to the students hairy arm and told him to command the tape not to stick. He ripped it off and it did stick, of course. The prof. continued to put it back on and rip it off until it finally stopped sticking. He proceeded to ask him to now command that same piece of tape to "Stick." It didn't obey no matter how hard he pressed it onto the college student's arm.

"Do you get it?" he said. "Your sexuality is like that too. The first time you use it you're going to stick to whoever it touches. Sex can't help sticking; that's what it's for."

"So if you rip yourself loose —" said a student.

"Then there's going to be damage. Something in both of your hearts will tear. Not only that, when you do get loose, your sexuality won't be as sticky as it was before. What happens when you pull it loose from one person after another?"

"Eventually it won't stick any more," said the tall girl.

"Right. Your sexual partners will seem like strangers; you just won't feel anything. You will have destroyed your capacity for intimacy. So there's your answer. You can't have 'all the other things' now and commitment later," explained Professor Theophilus (in the article Sex at the Edge of Night).

Dannah Gresh was disturbed by Oprah's recent "expert advice" on talking to teens about sex. Oprah and the "expert" left out the option of abstinence. As I am parenting a daughter who is almost a teenager, I'm grateful for Dannah's article that addresses the truth about sex. God has a plan for how it works and the boundary of marriage is not restricting but protective. If sex is meant to be a bond between two people, it is only in the commitment of marriage that it is safe and fully enjoyed. To give it away early is to loose the "stickiness" or intimacy that can be had in a marriage. I'm so glad I new the truth at a young age and that my husband and I waited until marriage. We are reaping the benefits of an intimacy that God fully intended.

The Path of Life

2010-04-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

Trail to Gleneden Beach, Oregon - my kids during Spring Break 2010

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11

If there are pleasures at His right hand then I will set aside the tasks of the day, turn off the demands I feel need attention soon, and tell myself there is nothing else that my heart desires more then waiting at his feet.

When I am on the path of life I am not immune to the wiles of the evil one. He is crafty and seeks my attention through the false ideas in this life. He is like this little snake my husband found on the side of the path whispering words like, "You will fill your tank with some time just reading a book or watching a movie, or eating something sweet. There is nothing immoral with those things. Besides, you are hurting and reading the Bible and praying is hard work. You need brain power and you can't sit up or even kneel because of your pain. Just take care of you. God gives grace." I've listened to such things and veered off the path.

"A man has to undergo a long and fierce inner struggle before he learns fully to master himself, and to direct his whole love towards God. When a man relies on himself, he often comes to rely on human consolations. ~ Thomas A' Kempis in The Imitation of Christ

I am searching for life and joy and pleasures in the midst of pain, in the midst of the stresses of parenting, in the midst of balancing the needs of ministry and supporting my husband in it. I will admit that when my new injury prevented me from having my quiet time the exact way I like it, I settled for less. Then I turned to hobbies that I enjoy to try to fill the time or distract me from the pain or depressed feelings. After a couple of weeks of this I was even more depleted and depressed.

"Untended fires soon die and become just a pile of ashes."
~ 80 year old Retired Missionary
quoted from Gail MacDonald's book High Call High Privilege

This quote reminded me what I was allowing to happen. The fire of my relationship with God must be fueled everyday or it will die. I found myself warming up to other people's fires through well written blog posts, or a good conversation with my husband or friend on what they are learning from the Bible or how they are growing in Christ. All the while my fire was left alone with very little wood thrown on it due to new restrictions.

"Fire will always burn on the altar, which the believer shall nourish, putting wood underneath in the morning, every day, so that the fire may not go out."
~ Walter Hilton of Thurgarton

I have new hurdles to overcome to be able to stoke the fire and be warmed by Christ. I'm having to lay aside more things. Family members have to pick up my responsibilities. I have to cancel on friendly coffee appointments and I hate to be a disappointment. An added injury with slow healing due to fibromyalgia has tested my belief that the path of life and joy and pleasures are found in Him. However, I'm back on the path that leads to quiet waters and He is restoring my soul.

As I was sharing these thoughts with Matt he thought of the parable of the Pearl of great price: “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it," Matthew 13:45-46. What jumps out to me here is the fact that the merchant is searching. This is active, not passive. I can't just expect to stumble upon fine nuggets in my day that will make me feel close to God. I have to pursue him. I have a bead on my Pandora bracelet representing my choice that all I have should be forsaken for Him alone. I need the dangle of something physical to remind me to stop and savor my Savior.

As I have been meditating on Psalm 16:11, so has T.M. Moore. The Greatest Blessing written by T.M. at the Colson Center for Christian Worldview is an article that gives further thought and resources to finding life in God's presence. This website is another tool God uses in my life to remind me that He is the source of joy!

If I stay on the path and ignore the enemy's lies I find an ocean of pleasure in God's presence like my kids did at Gleneden Beach!

A Soul Scrubbing

2010-03-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil - this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.

Ecclesiastes 5:19-20

When you live amidst a cloud of some kind, for me it is physical pain and the emotional strain when parenting gets tough, it is so easy to forget how blessed you are. I love how these verses make it clear that contentment is a gift from God. My ESV Study Bible note for this verse says, "The one to whom God grants contentment will not allow the darker realities of human existence to overshadow divinely bestowed blessings." However, I can still choose to be bitter and dwell on the dark cloud above me which then robs me of such joy.

Joni Eareckson Tada has this gift of contentment. She has been an inspiration and encouragement to me to keep seeking the things above in the midst of dwelling with the things of this broken world. Lately, I've had to listen and re-listen to this talk she gave at the True Woman '08 Conference. Actually, she couldn't appear at the conference due to pain and had it pre-recorded. Her heartfelt disappointment in not being there was clear but she also trusted God in the change of plans. This simple fact did more for my heart than I can say. If you can take the time to actually watch it you will be blessed by the tenderness in her face and one of her illustrations needs to be seen (her earrings).

My favorite quote:

"A real stone like this one can take a good scrubbing. Jewelry is not as delicate as we think. So God gets out His toothbrush and says in Zechariah chapter 13, verse 9, 'I will refine them like silver, and I will test them like gold.'

That’s me. What can I say? I long, I desire, I want to be a jewel that does not cringe if God chooses to give my soul a hard scrubbing every now and then.

Now, I’m not glorifying the suffering it takes to polish my faith. But ladies, I am glorifying the God whose image is reflected on the surface of any smile, my smile, that might be hard fought for through pain or problems. If you want God’s glory to be your shine, girls, it will be on His terms. His glory will be the glow of His godliness in your life, His patience, and perseverance." ~ Joni

Joni's God's Jewels

I relate to her and am thankful for God's sanctification process, the scrubbing in my life. I've just been given a new bead for my bracelet by my mom-in-law who also loves Joni's talk and will represent the jewel I am in God's crown. The scrubbing brings a shine. Joni also said, "If you really want to be like Christ, then you’ve got to learn to hate sin, because to be like Jesus is to be made sin-less."

Let There Be Tea!

2010-02-14T21:31:00.000-08:00

Painting by Sandy Lynam Clough

in the book If Teacups Could Talk by Emilie Barnes

"Somehow, taking tea together encourages an atmosphere of intimacy when you slip off the timepiece in your mind and cast your fate to a delight of tasty tea, tiny foods, and thoughtful conversation."
~ Gail Grecco

I've always wanted to own the painting pictured above because it reminds me to stop and sit down to tea with my girl. Ever since she was just a little thing I enjoyed making a pot of tea and finding some small delights to make her big brown eyes dance. However, everyday demands have a way of taking all our energy and it is easy to forget to stop and create a little beauty to enjoy life.

In the middle of winter my sweet Queenie and I would plan a tea party, a Valentine Friendship Tea Party. I wanted to teach my girl to enjoy and celebrate friendship around Valentine's Day and counter the culture that says, you need to have a boy admirer to feel special. She and I would plan a menu, assemble a guest list, make invitations, and think of things to create to give as party favors.

I was the hostess for the Mommy table and Queenie learned to be a gracious hostess and tea mum (pouring out tea for each guest). The four consecutive tea parties we hosted since she was four remind me of how much she changed. The preschool girls drank punch in their teacups. Once they were in second grade she was enjoying a children's tea (no caffeine - a rooibos) with real tea sandwiches.

As I've struggled with a new pain and with a few more limitations I haven't felt well enough to even do the daily tasks of caring for my home. How could I give myself permission to use priceless energy on something that seems fleeting and frivolous? However, I've found my tank of emotional reserves on empty for the last few months. The need to make something worth admiring and sharing would be life giving to my soul.

Several years passed and every year she requested that we do another tea party. I put it off for reasons I do not remember. This year I tried to do it again but pain made me second guess it. My husband wrote me a note that helped me rethink it. He said, "I am always intrigued when you do things like your tea parties, because they reflect you. It's like watching some of the beauty you have deep down inside come out in a way that everyone can bask in it. I think that's why your guests enjoy it so much - it creates an opportunity for them to experience beauty that they normally don't have. The monotony of life can have a choking effect on beauty, and we can become accustomed to living without it if we're not careful. Your tea parties force us all to stop, break the routine, and enjoy the finer things. That is a blessing for everyone involved, and it is a reflection of you. That's why the tea party is a good thing regardless of the other details. You're bringing life into a broken world. So, let there be tea."

So there was tea! I had to rethink some details but this was the push I needed to get over the hurdle and do it. I'm glad I did because it was life giving to my soul to create beauty and share it with special friends. I think this was a part of what God made me to do.

God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them, (Genesis 1:26-27)." No other created thing bears the very image of God. To be a image bearer means many things including creativity. Humans can make things, not from nothing like our Creator, but from the materials he has given. It brings him pleasure to see me create dainty things to be enjoyed by others. I can reflect my Maker in using the gifts he has given me. And that is life giving to my soul.

"Thank God for tea! What would the world do without tea? --how did it exist? I am glad I was not born before tea." ~ Rev. Sydney Smith in Lady Holland's Memoir

Blessed

2010-01-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

Blessed is he whose faith is not offended,
When all around his way
The power of God is working out deliverance
For others day by day;

Though in some prison drear his own soul languish,
Till life itself be spent,
Yet still can trust his Father's love and purpose,
And rest therein content.

Blessed is he, who through long years of suffering,
Cut off from active toil,
Still shares by prayer and praise the work of others,
And thus "divides the spoil."

Blessed are thou, O child of God, who sufferest,
And canst not understand
The reason for thy pain, yet gladly leavest
Thy life in His blest Hand.

Yea, blessed art thou whose faith is "not offended"
By trials unexplained,
By mysteries unsolved, past understanding,
Until the goal is gained.

Freda Hanbury Allen

Still can't be at the computer long but I'm resting in God's loving hands.

2009-12-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

This Advent season I've been pondering these words from Henri Nouwen's The Genesee Diary:

"The expectation of Advent is anchored in the event of God's incarnation. The more I come in touch with what happened in the past, the more I come in touch with what is to come. The Gospel not only reminds me of what took place but also of what will take place. In the contemplation of Christ's first coming, I can discover the signs of his second coming. By looking back in meditation, I can look forward in expectation. By reflection, I can project; by conserving the memory of Christ's birth , I can progress to the fulfillment of his kingdom. I am struck by the fact that the prophets speaking of the future of Israel always kept reminding their people of God's great works in the past. They could look forward with confidence because they could look backward with awe to Yahweh's great deeds."

"I pray that Advent will offer me the opportunity to deepen my memory of God's great deeds in time and will set me free to look forward with courage to the fulfillment of time by him who came and is still to come." ~ Henri J.M. Nouwen

Our Christmas celebration at home has been greatly simplified this year due to schedule constraints. This has opened up a simpler season of focus on Christ's coming, surrounding our Advent Wreath and some readings to the kids. At one level I've always been in a state of "waiting" due to chronic pain. Even now, for instance, I am "waiting" to get through an aggravated shoulder injury that is keeping me off the computer (my husband is being my secretary by typing this as I dictate!)

And it's hit me that this is the mindset that has always been in Scripture. Old Testament Jews had to wait for Messiah - to just sit there and suffer until he came, That's what made his first advent so meaningful for them. And New Testament Christians are also waiting for him to return again, to set all things right and remake the world. I find myself waiting for him to come create that New Earth in which pain will be only a distant memory.

And so, as God's f0llowers always have, we wait for Jesus to save us.

I Inspire My Husband!

2009-11-02T20:33:00.001-08:00

The title for my blog, Beautiful Descent, came out of a conversation I had with my hubby. I was telling him how I felt moved by The Water Song in Hannah Hurnard's book Hind's Feet on High Places. There, the water came from the high places that the main character is trying desperately to reach, but it sings happily about going to the lowlands to serve, and to bring life. This resonated with me because of the brokenness I live with. Despite its many forms, I can better empathize with those who also find themselves in very difficult places, and I see this as an opportunity to bring the life of Jesus within me into the broken worlds of other people.

I was trying to compress all this into a blog title and theme, and Matthew came up with "Beautiful Descent." Recently, this all inspired him to write an article reflecting on the Christian life embodies a very similar principle, whether we suffer from some form of acute brokenness or not. Read it here at the Colson Center for Christian Worldview.

An Overflowing Jar = An Overwhelmed Life

2009-09-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Joggers in Central Park, Manhattan, New York
By Amanda Hall Courtesy of Allposters.com

“The changing fabric of the world outside of us is what greatly impacts our sense of ourselves and of life. It changes how we think and what we want. The world we experience outside of ourselves, in fact is what makes some ideas seem plausible and others seem implausible.”
~ Dave. F. Wells in Courage to be Protestant

Opportunities to use your talents, time, and treasure seem limitless. And yet, we all have limits to what we can do, have time for, and invest in. The fall season bombards families with opportunities to get their kids involved in sports, drama, music, etc. The requests for parents to volunteer their services in helping to makes these extracurricular activities happen are also a part of the equation. Add to that the church programs and ministry opportunities and the overwhelmed feeling is complete.

Over the years Matt and I attempt to enter the start of a new school year with a set of priorities. It is like emptying the proverbial jar of life and purposefully putting in those activities representing rocks that are most important first. The size of the stone represents how much time, energy, and money those things require. The jar cannot get any bigger. I’m feeling the tension of that at the end of September. I believe I let in bigger stones (activities or commitments) that I thought were smaller. Pea gravel can shake itself down into crevices between larger stones, so I think these "small" activities will fit. But in reality, these activities or commitments are larger than I expect and they don’t fit.

I’m emptying the jar today and re-assigning priorities and re-assessing their size. This inevitably means some stones won’t fit and will need to be removed. Learning to say no to some very good things is difficult to do. However, I can’t live at warp speed and still thrive in those things God has called me to do, so it must be done.

The world outside of me seems to say I should be doing more. My kids should be able to do everything they are interested in. Ministry vacancies should be filled by me and mine if we have the talent or ability to do so. However, I’ve always observed the Western world's pace is too fast. Inside our churches it is no different. Lots of good programs and many opportunities to serve. If there is white space on the calendar I feel pressure to fill it.

But what if I change the environment for a little while? According to Wells, “the world we experience outside of ourselves is what makes some ideas seem plausible and others seem implausible.” So maybe doing less makes me feel guilty precisely because so many people around me are so busy. But what if I try to slow down in the midst of a busy world? Perhaps then the idea that my significance does not depend on what I do will be plausible.

So at the end of October I’m going on a solitary retreat to the Trappist Abbey. In solitude and silence I expect to find the plausible idea that I can rest in doing a few things well and be okay in God’s eyes. I have to change my outside experience for a little while to own this perspective.

Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. When a man's folly bring his way to ruin, his heart rages against the Lord.
Proverbs 19:2-3

ESV Study Note: "Verse 2 refers to an impulsive person who unwisely acts before thinking or planning the right way. He has a 'desire' to get somewhere but he does not have sufficient knowledge to reach his goal."

I'm going to get away to reflect on the goal of being what God intends me to be in this season of life and adjust the necessary priorities if I find they are out of whack.

Troughs and Peaks

2009-09-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Coaley Peak, Dursley, Cotswolds, England
By Peter Adams Courtesy of AllPosters.com

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Just when I think I've figured something out like dealing with the present issue my child is facing, it all changes. New circumstances, new issues, new unsolved problems must be taken to the Lord for prayer and to seek wisdom. This is the next trough to plow through. I wanted to celebrate the peak of the previous phase but there doesn't seem to be time. I feel overwhelmed all over again and stuck in finding the motivation to press on.

At times like these I find it helpful to understand that there is an enemy of my soul that seeks to discourage and distract. He wants me to forget the peaks and the places God has clearly guided me through. I've been reminded through C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters. Uncle Screwtape writes letters to Wormwood, the demon he mentors. His goal is to help Wormwood thwart God's plan in redeeming the human he has been assigned to torment.

My Dear Wormwood,

Humans are half spirit and half [creature]. As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as [creatures] they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks.

Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favorites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy [God] demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself --creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below [Satan] has drawn all other beings into himself: the Enemy [God] wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.

And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. Merely to over-ride a human will would be for Him useless…. He cannot ravish. He can only woo…. He is prepared to do a little over-riding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows the state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best….He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
Screwtape
The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

Several things cause me to wake up and take notice from this sneak peak of the enemy's mail.

Change is part of living in time and I need to expect it and move with it as God has planned.
God's love for me is immense and he is wooing me to desire to be more like him.
God uses the difficult things for my good, my transformation to be more like Christ.
When I feel like God isn't there and I still press on in obedience, He is very aware and this brings him incredible joy.
When I mess up but have the intention to continue to follow the enemy's work on my soul is not gaining any ground.

Romans 8:18, 28- 30 says, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined, he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."

Sufferings and good seem to be opposed to one another unless you know what the goal is. God's goal for my life is to be conformed to the image of his Son. He uses the troughs more than the peaks to do this. The unanswered questions and situations that tempt my heart to be impatient are the very things that God is using to make me more like Christ. I can be persuaded to be patient for that because it is my heart's desire to be made like my Master. To Him be all the glory!

Sheep May Safely Graze

2009-08-25T17:46:00.001-07:00

The Shepherdess by Johann Baptist Hofner
Courtesy of Allposters.com

"And I will give you shepherds after my own heart who will feed you with knowledge and understanding." ~ Jeremiah 3:15

My growing girl and I got away for a weekend together, just the two of us. It was delightful to have conversations with her about her interests and what she is thinking or concerned about.

We continue to slowly get through the Secret Keeper Girl Mother/Daughter Dates. This one took us to art galleries to observe God's beautiful masterpiece: woman.

Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.

Proverbs 5: 18-19

As women we were made to intoxicate one man, our husband. The responsibility to guard that power of intoxication for marriage is not easy when the world screams, "If you have it to flaunt and it feels good, do it." The fashion industry has also encouraged this in teenagers but also in younger girls of ages 8-12. Dannah Gresh addresses this issue on her website and in a four minute klove podcast.

As a parent I am the shepherd that God has appointed to guide my daughter in understanding what God designed femininity to be. The beauty of a woman's face and the curves of her body are God's design. It is meant to be admired and enjoyed in the context for which it was made. The world has twisted that and removed all the safe boundaries.

There is an enemy that wants to distort, lie, and ultimately destroy what God has intended true womanhood to be. The question is: Can we identify the lies and do we know the truth? It amazes me how even something as practical as what my daughter should wear comes back to theology (the knowledge of God) and His Master Plan for life. This will then shape my worldview and my decisions as to how I will instruct my daughter.

John Piper said, "Wimpy theology makes wimpy women. Wimpy theology simply does not give a woman a God that is big enough, strong enough, wise enough, and good enough to handle the realities of life in away that magnifies the infinite worth of Jesus Christ. Wimpy theology is plagued by woman-centeredness and man-centeredness. Wimpy theology doesn’t have the granite foundation of God’s sovereignty or the solid steel structure of a great God-centered purpose for all things." (For the whole message given to a group of women at the 2008 True Womanhood Conference click here.)

As I study the Scriptures and develop a strong theology regarding what God intended for true womanhood I am the shepherdess preparing to lead my lamb to a safe place to graze. This also uncovers what I didn't know as a young person and the errors that have occurred. The enemy has tried to play havoc in my heart and mind. Lies I once believed about myself creep up again. I was once a lamb and a wolf injured me at one point. As Jesus is my shepherd, he continues to heal and breathe life and truth to my heart and soul. My faithful actions to obey his call on my life to be the shepherdess to my daughter's understanding of biblical womanhood are steps toward continued healing and strength.

I don't want to be a wimpy woman. So, as I study theology and pass on what I'm learning to my daughter we will be strong women who can see the wolves coming. As I play Sheep May Safely Graze by J.S. Bach on the piano I pray for continued clarity from the Chief Shepherd. He promises to guide all who lack wisdom if we only ask for it.

A Good Laugh

2009-08-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

Young Boy Drumming Courtesy of All Posters.com

A joyful heart is good medicine,

but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Proverbs 17:22

Have you ever noticed that boys have more stories to tell about how and when they got into trouble than girls do? They are funny and charming in their way - as long as no one ultimately got hurt! It makes me wonder why they are so impulsive. They don’t stop and think about the consequences to a dare. Boys are curious and just act on a thought like, “What would happen if we tied a firecracker to a salamander and lit it?” Or “What would happen if we cracked a raw egg on our heads?” As a girl, I would have thought through the general idea of what would happen and wouldn’t care to try either scenario. But, my husband tells me those were some of his musings as a boy with his friends. Of course, they were more than just musings - he did them both as a boy.

My father-in-law sent me a letter with just such a story and his thoughts surrounding it. I got more than just a good laugh, but it made my week!

Dear Amy,

I was looking through a “California Lawyer” magazine recently and saw this picture [below] that reminded me of a story about your husband….I got to the back cover and saw this advertisement for Mr. Terry O’Reilly’s personal injury law firm. Mr. O’Reilly was once our neighbor when we lived on Hubert Road and it caused me to recall an event which took place where your husband was five or six years old.

One evening Mr. O’Reilly appeared at our door in an agitated state. He said a couple of young boys were seen by another neighbor (probably the nosey “cookie lady” who lived in the house next to his) scratching his brand new Volvo with rocks. I called Matt down from his room and Terry said yes, he was one of the boys, the glasses confirmed the identification. Well, I was ready to dump a full load of bricks on Matt because I felt that was the best way to stop kids from doing dumb-headed things, but my reaction was tempered by my neighbor’s presence. I asked Matt if he had done this. With great chagrin, he said that he did. I asked him why he would do such a thing for he certainly knew better. And here is the interesting part of the story – he said, “Dad (very subdued), I was just practicing cursive nothings.”

Matt on the left around 7 years old

This had the effect of adding a slight confusion to the situation, which is always good for the accused person. Cursive writing is a part of learning after all, and this word, which isn’t used every day, is coming out of a six year old. That was enough to carry Matt through the moment. I told Mr. O’Reilly to get his car’s paint job restored and to send the bill to me. (Which to his credit he did not do.)

I think the incident shows that your husband has been able to provide a reasoned response in a tight situation from very early one, and, as we can tell from the legal ad, this event didn’t dampen Mr. O’Reilly’s love of automobiles! And finally, I hope that this will be Matt’s last brush with a personal injury lawyer!

Love,
Dad

Coincidentally I received this letter during a week that Matt is on jury duty with a U.S. Federal District Court case. He has been listening to a few lawyers and he would have made a great one himself, which we often talk about. I can rarely win a verbal argument but he has learned to lovingly listen to me first, even if he could reason it out much better and know he has the more persuasive point.

I got a good laugh at the letter and the advertisement. As I read it to my daughter, she couldn’t believe a "smart kid" like her daddy would even do something like that…rocks scratching a car? “Why didn’t he get a piece of chalk and hit the pavement? Boys don‘t seem to think things through.” Her Papa (Matt’s Dad) lovingly responded to such a level-headed girl, “Tell Lizzy that, as they get older, smart boys realize that we have this thing called civilization because of girls. Smart boys want to relate to girls properly and that helps turn them into humans.”

In the Background

2009-08-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

Portrait by Edwin Harris
Courtesy of AllPosters

It is at our mother's knee that we acquire
our noblest and truest and highest ideals.
~ Mark Twain

How can a mother blog when her daughter is busy writing a book on the computer during the summer? This is her fun, truly!

How can a wife write a blog post she intended to when her husband writes it first? I inspired it through an email I sent to him, honestly!

As I ask those questions I'm encouraged. My goal is to always support and set up those in my household to do what God intended for them. I have a role behind the scenes that isn't often noticed by the public but is appreciated by those I serve.

So, my journey at present is to help my girl edit her creative work and continue to inspire my husband.

A King Loves His Beggar Maid

2009-07-16T09:07:00.001-07:00

A King and A Beggar Maid, 1898
Edmund Blair Leighton
Courtesy of AllPosters.com

Husbands, love your wives,
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:25, 28

We will be celebrating 15 years of marriage next month. I find that the love my husband shows me these days comes in very tangible, sacrificial ways.

As I struggle more in the summer with my chronic pain issues he has been on a mission to isolate and do what he can to lessen my suffering.

I don't do well in the few heat waves we have in the summer in Oregon. So, he worked through his desire to save rather than spend on unnecessary things and dipped into savings to by a portable air conditioner. It cools down my most favorite room. The purchase alone just brought relief to my mind that I would not have to suffer. The removal of the mental stress did more than I thought. And, of course, I'm very cool when it is very hot outside.

The other issue we isolated was the allergy season. It aggravates my condition and one tree in our backyard hasn't helped. So, in the midst of ministry stuff and grading papers from an extra job my husband spent the evening (with the help of neighbors) cutting down the dreaded tree. Next spring won't be nearly as bad. No pollen from our yard will cling to the screen windows and come into the house. YEAH!

I truly have a husband who loves me to the point of sacrifice. Submitting and following his lead is easy. I often feel like the weak, little beggar maid being served and offered more than she deserves from a loving and adoring king.

A Steep Climb

2009-07-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

"Every happening, great and small,
is a parable whereby God
speaks to us and the art of life
is to get the message."
~ Malcom Muggeridge

A weary body, an achy head, and a worried mother's heart (dropped off her daughter to camp for the first time) arrived at Hoffman Hills Lavender Farm's Guest Cottage. The serenity of the place was the necessary and much needed balm for my overwhelmed soul.

In the anticipation of the drive around Mt. Hood to this solitary get away I picked up my Hinds' Feet on High Places book. The allegorical journey of Much-Afraid developing hind's feet so she can leap up to the divine presence of God in any circumstance and experience his love through accepting his will for her life was a reminder I needed.

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
shall abide under the Shadow of the Almighty.
Psalm 91:1

My surroundings gave me a visual picture of the rocky crag precipice, complete with a deer on the hillside, that Much-Afraid was supposed to climb. At this stage in her journey she had already taken a detour into the desert and then had to wander on the shores of loneliness far from the foot of the high places, wondering when the Shepherd would take her there, a journey of trust and obedience. She rejoiced to finally see them again across the plateau they were on. "Much-Afraid fell on her knees on the hilltop, bowed her head and worshiped. It seemed to her at that moment that all the pain and the postponement, all the sorrows and trials of the long journey as she had made, were as nothing compared to the glory which shone before her." But when she reached the base of it, there was no easy path to make the ascent. However a hart and hind (a male and female deer) showed the way up the "intensely steep track which went zig-zagging across the face of the cliff." She was just rejoicing moments before. Now, despair overwhelmed her.

I can relate to Much-Afraid. This steep precipice of fibromyalgia while I raise my children (one of which has some special needs) and support my preaching/pastoring husband can lead me to despair. The more I understand it, the steeper and more impossible the climb seems. However, just as Much-Afraid finally called on the Shepherd, I've set aside the weekend to be with him, alone. He teaches, encourages, and give the gift of a cordial called "Spirit of Grace and Comfort." My cordial came in the form of a good sermon by John Piper called, Spiritual Depression in the Psalms (Psalm 42). At one point Piper sees the psalmist preaching to himself and says, "Listen to Martin Lloyd-Jones take hold of this verse (Psalm 42:5):

'Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment [in Psalm 42] was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. 'Why art thou cast down, O my soul?' he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says,: 'Self, listen for moment, I will speak to you.' (Spiritual Depression, 20-21)"

This made me reflect on my husband's talking to himself when no one is in the room. He is always processing his thoughts out loud and I tease him about it. Maybe there is something healthy in it after all. My inward thoughts are very negative and I don't dare voice them. I'm learning that if they can't be said out loud I shouldn't be listening to them. What I need to preach to myself are the truths of God and his promises given to me.

The conversation the Shepherd has with Much-Afraid just before her climb contain the kinds of things I need to preach to my soul as I make my own ascent. Jesus, the Good Shepherd asks her, "'But, Much-Afraid, what did I promise you in the Valley of Humiliation?'

'You said you would make my feet like hind's feet and set me upon mine High Places (Hab. 3:19).'

'Well..the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the path which the hinds use--like this one.'

'But I never dreamed you would do anything like this! Lead me to an impassable precipice up which nothing can go but deer and goats, when I'm no more like a deer or a goat than is a jellyfish.

The Shepherd laughed, ...'Why I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which is marred into perfection. If there is one thing more than another which I should enjoy doing at this moment it is turning a jellyfish into a mountain goat. That is my special work,' he added with the light of great joy in his face."

The chosen precipice for me contains fibromyalgia, for others it may be cancer (like my hostess at Hoffman Hills Farm), or like my blogging friend at A Parson's Wife who is walking the unknown health problems with her husband while balancing some of her own. The Shepherd is faithful to remain close by and give places to rest like a safe cave in the midst of the climb.

At the conclusion of my solitary retreat I had visitors of two fawns and a doe. I did not see them leaping on the steep hillside, but rather right in front of me on the grassy field outside my cottage.

"I think of nature as an unlimited radio station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in." George Washington Carver

A Word Aptly Found

2009-06-30T12:52:00.001-07:00

Cat Has Fun with Mouse

Courtesy of AllPosters.com

"I and Pangur Ban my cat,
Tis a like task we are at:
Hunting mice is his delight,
Hunting words I sit all night."

~ 1st Stanza of the poem "Pangur Ban"
Written by an Irish monk in an Austrian monastery around the ninth century.

To communicate with one another we need to use language. But what we are really after is meaning. A word can have more than one definition. These definitions can be opposed to one another or similar. If they are similar the meanings can enhance the one word, creating depth. As we try to convey the ideas or thoughts formed in our heads, we seek the file cabinet of various words in our spoken language.

My darling girl has a cabinet full of words that she uses to display what she wishes to impart. When her Grandma Guerino (G.G.) learned she needed to begin chemo therapy for her cancer Elizabeth wanted to encourage her. She made a simple, plastic, beaded bracelet with the words, "Keep Shining." Her word choice remains a bit of a mystery because she cannot explain or define it further.

This simple gift has gone beyond my imagination. Our G.G. has lovely jewelry. She began my Pandora Bracelet because she loves her own so dearly. So, it surprised me that a simple, plastic, beaded one carried so much weight and delight for her during this time. She wears it for every chemo infusion and MRI scans. Nurses and other hospital staff have inquired about it.

What impressed G.G. more than anything was that her granddaughter did not choose "Keep Smiling." Anyone can put a smile on their face and it can be fake. However, you cannot be inauthentic when you are shining. That comes more from within and only God can help bring it about.

To my delight and amazement there is a Hebrew word, Hallel, that can mean both "to shine" and "to praise." Hallel is used frequently in the psalms and is translated in English as "praise." But this same Hebrew word is used in Isaiah to describe the light that shines forth from the stars or the moon. Elizabeth's little bracelet, "Keep Shining," took on a deeper meaning for me. When I praise God I am shining like a star. My circumstances may be dark but as I focus on God's unchanging character and reflect that back to Him I shine. Our G.G. continues to get her eyes up and focused on her unchanging Lord. She has kept shining through her weakness and in His strength.

The bracelet inspired some further processing as she continues in her journey through what she calls, "Cancerland." The picture is her artwork. A photo of the "Keep Shining" bracelet was trimmed and included in it. Every element to her creation means something. I'm hoping she will blog about it one day. My little darling girl has had a significant impact in her G.G.'s emotional well-being. This has been a God thing! He deserves all the praise and as I praise him, I shine for Him!

31 Prayer Prompts for Your Pastor's Wife

2009-06-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

"Contemplative prayer nourishes the interior life and begets a luminous serenity that can permeate the various components of exterior life. It is a spiritual homing device that attunes us to the Presence that alone can satisfy our deepest longings."

~ Kenneth Boa, Conformed to His Image

I love Nancy Leigh DeMoss' focus on biblical prayer. As my church is looking for a Worship Pastor I've been prompted to pray for the looking and for the future pastor's wife that will come. As a pastor's wife, the following points to prayer are very relevant. I pray them for myself and the other pastor's wives on our staff. I truly believe this is the best way to support and love your pastor's wife.

The rest of this post is the pdf. file found at Revive Our Hearts. To print it for yourself to use in prayer, click the title.

Praying for Your Pastor's Wife
by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

A pastor’s wife is often in the shadow of the man who fills the pulpit every Sunday. Most of the time, she is pleased that God has called her husband to this place of selfless service, but there are days when she wishes for a more “normal” life.

She listens to her husband’s dreams for the ministry, and creates a safe haven for him when it seems he has no friends. She loves and respects him, prays for him, and serves him. But who will listen to, encourage, and pray for her needs?

Most people focus on the needs of their pastor, but one of the greatest gifts a congregation can give to their pastor is to pray for and care for his wife and family. We must never forget that pastors’ wives are human. They face the same challenges as other women in the congregation. They are tempted to sin, grow weary in ministry, and often struggle to balance their roles and responsibilities.

Your pastor’s wife needs encouragement, friendships, support, practical help, and most of all, earnest prayer. Your prayers are crucial to her spiritual and emotional health, and God will reward your efforts to cover your pastor’s wife in prayer.

If you accept the challenge to pray for your pastor’s wife, let her know that you are praying for her. Ask her if she has specific prayer requests. The following prayer guide with accompanying Scriptures offers some practical ways to pray for her.

1. Pray that your pastor’s wife will love God with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength. Pray that God’s Spirit will work in her heart in power, and that she will value and follow biblical priorities. (Deut. 6:5; Matt. 6:33)

2. Pray that she will cultivate strong character and uncompromising integrity. Pray that her testimony will be genuine, and that she will guard her heart. (1 Tim. 1:5; 3:7; Prov. 4:23)

3. Pray for her personal walk with God—that her soul and spirit will be nourishedand strengthened in her times with Him. Pray that she will spend more time in the Word of God than in reading Christian books and articles. (2 Tim. 2:15-16; Ps. 119:7)

4. Pray that your pastor’s wife will counsel and teach with discernment through the wise use of Scripture and faith in God’s power. (Ps. 119:99; James 1:5-6)

5. Ask God to protect her marriage and keep it strong as a model of the Church’ssubmission to Christ. Pray that she will respect and practice godly submission to herhusband’s leadership, and that her husband will love and cherish her. (Eph. 5:23-33)

6. Pray that God will protect your pastor’s wife from discouragement and bitterness when she or her husband faces inevitable criticism. Pray that she will trust in the wisdom of the Word of God to answer her critics, and commit herself into the hands of God, who judges righteously. (Heb. 12:15; Ps. 119:42; Col. 4:6; Prov. 31:26; 1 pet. 2:23)

7. Pray that your pastor’s wife will remember truth and practical principles from the Word of God during times of trial, and that the Scriptures will bring her comfort. Pray that the Word will become her delight and song when circumstances are tough. (Ps. 119:28, 52)

8. Ask God to protect your pastor’s wife from the evil plots of Satan. Pray that she will not be corrupted as she rubs shoulders with the world. (John 17:15; Isa. 54:17; Ps. 91:9-11)

9. Pray that God will build a hedge of protection around her marriage, and that sheand her husband will be aware of the potential for any improper relationships. Pray that their family time will be protected. (Matt. 19:6; Prov. 31:11a; 2 Cor. 10:4-5)

10. Pray that your pastor’s wife will be morally pure and that she will wear the armor of God so that she will not fall into sexual temptation. Ask God to guard her heart concerning the use of free time, and that she will be especially discerning in her use of emails, the internet, television, and other media. (Rom. 13:14; Eph. 6:10-18)

11. Pray that God will bring godly friends and encouragers to your pastor’s wife and her family, to strengthen them for the ministry and to provide meaningful fellowship,accountability, and times of rest. (Ps. 55:14; 119:63)

12. Pray that she will be a woman of prayer and worship, and that she will lead byexample—teaching women how to walk in a close relationship with the Father.(1 Thes. 5:17; Acts 1:14a; Mark 1:35; Matt. 4:10; Titus 2:4-5)

13. Your pastor’s wife is a busy woman. Pray that she will make wise lifestyle choices in order to protect her health, especially in the areas of exercise, eating moderately, and getting sufficient rest. Pray for times of relaxation and renewal to balance the stress of ministry. (Rom. 12:1-2; 1 Cor. 9:27; 6:19-20; 10:13; Prov.31:17)

14. Pray that your pastor’s wife will focus on the Word of God and walk by faith in the fear of the Lord—rather than the fear of man. Pray that she will not seek acceptance from others or compare herself with them, but that she will discover true freedom in her position in Christ. (Prov. 19:23; 31:30; Heb. 11:6; 2 Tim. 2:15; Ps. 119:45; Eph. 1:3-12)

15. Pray that she will cooperate with her husband in providing godly leadership in their home, not based on fear of what others will think, but according to scriptural truth. (Eph.6:4; Col. 3:20-21) (If your pastor’s wife does not have children, pray that God will give her many “spiritual children” as she shares the truth of God’s Word.)

16. Pray that her children will be taught of the Lord and experience His peace. Pray that the pressures of the ministry will not discourage or embitter them. (Isa. 54:13)

17. Pray that your pastor’s wife will be an example of contentment, thankful for God’s supply. Pray that her sufficiency will be in God’s abounding grace. (1 Tim. 6:6, 8)

18. Ask God to provide for the financial needs of your pastor and his family. Pray that your pastor’s wife will be a wise steward in caring for her family and using funds entrusted to her care. Pray that her heart will be turned away from selfish gain and worthless things. (Phil. 4:19; Heb. 13:5; 1 Tim. 6:11; Ps. 37:25; 119:36-37)

19. Pray that your pastor’s wife will use time wisely, seek God’s perspective for herschedule and priorities, and guard against unnecessary interruptions. Pray that she will seek and obey God’s will, rather than trying to meet everyone else’s expectations. (Eph. 5:15-16; Col. 4:5; Ps. 90:12; Prov. 31:27)

20. Ask God to remind her of the hope and refuge God offers her each day. Pray that she will be encouraged in God, knowing that He is a firm, secure anchor for her soul.(Ps. 9:9-10; Ps. 42:5; 71:14; Heb. 6:19a)

21. Pray that your pastor’s wife will be wise in her conversations, choosing her words carefully to encourage respect for her husband and the church, and to edify her sisters in the Lord. Pray that she will know how to respond to gossip, and that she will always speak with kindness and compassion. (Prov. 21:23; 31:26; 1 Pet. 3:10; Prov. 11:13)

22. Pray that she will serve others with God’s agape love and encourage them with Hiswisdom and compassion. (Gal. 5:13b; Phil. 2:3-4; Prov. 31:20)

23. Pray for spiritual unity between the pastor’s wife and others in the church—especially other staff members’ wives. Pray that the enemy will not be allowed to create divisions, strife, or misunderstanding in any way. (Rom. 14:19; 1 Cor. 12:25)

24. Pray that your pastor’s wife will be clothed with strength and dignity. Pray that she will have a gentle and gracious spirit, and represent the Lord well as His ambassador.(Prov. 31:25a; 2 Cor. 5:20a; 1 Pet. 3:4)

25. Pray that your pastor’s wife will seek God for personal revival and revival in your church and community. Pray that she will quickly repent when she sins or strays from her Good Shepherd’s side, and that she learn the will and ways of God. (2 hron. 7:14)

26. Pray that your pastor’s wife will think biblically—with the mind of Christ—and practice the expression of her faith with boldness in places of influence. (Ps.119:46)

27. Pray that she will earnestly seek God’s will and be committed to instant and complete obedience—ready for God to work powerfully in and through her life and ministry. (1 Sam. 15:22; 2 Cor. 10:3-5; Luke 9:23-24)

28. Pray that she will strive for personal excellence as a “Proverbs 31” woman, and will believe God to accomplish His will in her as a virtuous woman. (Prov. 31:10-31)

29. Pray that your pastor’s wife will be a woman of faith and passionate love for God, not giving in to worries, fears, or an uptight and anxious spirit. (1 John 4:18; Prov. 3:5-6)

30. Pray that the Word will be her counselor, and that she will serve the Lord with gladness, and encourage others to worship with a joyful, surrendered spirit. (Isa. 61:3; Ps. 119:24)

31. Pray that your pastor’s wife will be humble and authentic in her faith, not given to pride or hypocrisy. Pray that she will have pure motives and give God glory for every gain or victory. (Mic. 6:8; Gal. 6:14; John 7:17-18; 1 Cor. 10:13)

Painful Pruning Leads to Unimaginable Fruit

2009-06-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

"I am the true vine,
and my Father is the vinedresser.
Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away,
and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes,
that it may bear more fruit."
John 15:1&2

With the talents and gifts God gave me I expected to bear a certain kind of fruit. I never anticipated His pruning would remove those very activities and interests that used such gifts. Tearing them out of my life has caused some pain. It makes me feel stripped, bare, and ugly.

We owned some grapevines at one time. As I didn't know what to do for them beyond watering and providing support for the branches, very little fruit emerged. A relative showed me how to prune them. It was a difficult and time consuming thing to be the vinedresser. I had to isolate the main vine, find the branches protruding from it, count the first two knots (looks like knuckles on a finger), and make the cut. So many leaves and branches cut away left those grapevines ugly and bare.

With time, much water, and plenty of sun those branches grew new ones and fruit grew. By late summer the ugly pruned vine was completely covered with numerous branches, large green leaves, and grapes growing underneath. My children loved the shady nook it created with grapes to be picked and enjoyed right above their heads.

Jesus taught using word pictures and life experiences that were familiar to his disciples. No doubt they understood that pruning was a cleaning of some sort and that it was necessary if you wanted a fine crop of grapes. With the help of my ESV Study Bible and my own garden experience this passage in John 15:1-11 is more clear.

However, my mind and my heart still want to argue a little with the vinedresser. The pruning was painful and I miss certain activities that I thought brought Him glory. So, while I wait for new growth and the fruit that will come I must abide in the vine (John 15:4). I will protect and guard my time with my Lord to learn from His Word, fellowship with Him in prayer, and obey His precepts (John 15:10).

Joy can be found in resting in His presence (John 15:11). As I can't do anything apart from Him (John 15:5), neither can my heart be at peace with the pruning unless I trust Him (Isaiah 26:3). If He allows me to see the fruit that is produced for His glory, it will be understood in my humbled state. In dependence I find acceptance. In acceptance I find humility. And in humility I see what a big God can do with a pruned branch.

Thankfully, God has given me some understanding of the fruit He is producing in me through the eyes of my husband. He blogged about me "completing" him. I know that if I had my way and all the various activities that I would pursue if I hadn't been pruned, I wouldn't have been available enough for my preaching husband to feel this way. Thank you, Father for the pruning and the unimaginable fruit!

The Valley of Vision

2009-05-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

John Constable (1776 – 1837)

"Not only this valley but all this earthly past will be Heaven to those who are saved...This is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into glory."
C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

I tend to be very sentimental. I also like word pictures with very good quotes to go with them. God often uses these things about me to get my attention. He teaches, shapes, and guides my thinking through art and literature beyond His Word. I do saturate myself in the Bible and meditate on a specific passage every day. I'm fascinated how the Holy Spirit will then bring people and their stories, music, quotes, and art to then expand my understanding of a biblical truth. This idea of a valley that represents my suffering has been just that. But I didn't come to such a big and beautiful picture right away.

When I struggle with more physical pain than what is normal for me, my thoughts implode and I see everything in a negative light. I was describing to a friend that I feel like I've entered a dark tunnel and I know I have to press on to find the light at the end of it, but it isn't there and I'm weary of enduring. As I found moments or events that shed some light in my path, it wasn't light at the end of the tunnel, but a shaft of light from above, like a window cut into the mountain which allowed the light to trickle in. I could stand there and bask in it for a little while but then, I had to keep moving, in the dark.

I honestly thought that was the picture I had to hold onto for the next several months. I even found a bead for my bracelet that fit with the picture of a dark tunnel and shafts of light (it is to the right of the dangling cross). It’s a black bead with little rhinestones set in it like shafts of light. However, God had a bigger picture for me to find, that would help my perspective and motivation to endure.

As I was meditating on the following verses:

Cease striving and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

In repentance and rest you will be saved,
in quietness and trust is your strength.
Isaiah 30:15

I was struck by the paradoxes in the Christian life. I need to stop trying in my own strength to press through this dark tunnel of my life and rest in Him. What did I need to repent from so that I could rest? I was self-absorbed and consumed with my own pain. The tunnel was a pity party and while I did rest in the shafts of light, I left it in my own strength to continue on.

With a song based on a well loved Puritan prayer (The Valley of Vision), God gave me a bigger picture. I am in a dark valley, hemmed in by mountains that are intimidating but as I look up at night the stars are shining. God's glory is revealed in my weakness as I seek His strength. He is doing more than I can see or imagine, even in my pain. I can look up and trust Him. I had the privilege of singing this song at church this past Sunday. It truly came from my heart.

In the Valley

Words and music by Bob Kauflin
As recorded on Valley of Vision

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

© 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

Wedding Dresses Remembered For Mother's Day

2009-05-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

"I chose my wife as she did her wedding-gown, not for a fine glossy surface, but such qualities as would wear well."

Oliver Goldsmith

My dear friend, Katie Marreel organized and put together a team of people for a unique Women's Ministry event called Project Runway Wedding Style. It was a fashion show with a collection of 36 wedding gowns from the 1930's to 2009. My gown (1994), my mother's (1968), and my grandmother's (1941) were modeled. The special evening had my daughter, Queenie Claire, modeling her great-grandmother Claire's dress. She was the youngest model at age 11 for the evening and did a great job. She charmingly told everyone that she was wearing her "namesake's dress."

I've blogged more about my dear Gram here. I wish my Mom and my Gram could have attended this event with Queenie and me. I am thankful that we fully enjoyed finding the gowns and trying them all on Queenie at Christmas. Happy Mother's Day, Mom and Gram. Queenie and I missed you during this fun evening.

Turn off the "Mood Music" at the right side-bar before viewing the video.

If you are having trouble viewing the video, you may go to Youtube by, clicking here. Forgive the terrible "related video" links that come up after our video on the youtube site.

The evening included wonderful food, darling ring bearers we got to swoon over, beautiful flower girls that threw a bouquet, a cake decorating contest, and other creative table activities on a wedding theme. I added the original pictures of our wedding days before the model at the event in the slideshow below.

Fun Facts about our gowns or our wedding:
My Grandmother: The dress was purchased by her for $100. The wedding was paid for by the bride and groom. They were married just before WW2. The bride followed her groom to wherever he was stationed before he was deported overseas.

My Mom: My grandmother made the dress for her. Once married, the couple moved for the groom to start Seminary. I, as her daughter, followed in her footsteps 26 years later.

Mine: Both my Mom and Matt's Mom went gown shopping with me. The dress was found at our last stop. We were quite exhausted and slightly discouraged. I believe I broke my parent's bank account with it's price tag but Mom was beaming as I found one I loved. My dear little daughter wants to wear it someday but...she will be taller than me.

A Treasured Shadow

2009-05-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

O LORD, who may abide in Thy tent?
Who may dwell on Thy holy hill?
Psalm 15:1

I can only enter God's presence on the coat-tails of Christ...in His Shadow!

At one point in Charles Dickens' novel Little Dorrit, the main character tells this fairy tale: "'There was once upon a time a fine King... [who] had a daughter, who was the wisest and most beautiful Princess that ever was seen... Now, near the Palace where this Princess lived, there was a cottage in which there was a poor little tiny woman, who lived all alone by herself.'

'The Princess passed the cottage nearly every day, and whenever she went by in her beautiful carriage, she saw the poor tiny woman spinning at her wheel, and she looked at the tiny woman, and the tiny woman looked at her. So, one day she stopped the coachman a little way from the cottage, and got out and walked on and peeped in at the door, and there, as usual, was the tiny woman spinning at her wheel, and she looked at the Princess, and the Princess looked at her.'

'The Princess was such a wonderful Princess that she had the power of knowing secrets, and she said to the tiny woman, Why do you keep it there? This showed her directly that the Princess knew why she lived all alone by herself spinning at her wheel, and she kneeled down at the Princess's feet, and asked her never to betray her. So the Princess said, I never will betray you. Let me see it. So the tiny woman closed the shutter of the cottage window and fastened the door, and trembling from head to foot for fear that any one should suspect her, opened a very secret place and showed the Princess a shadow.'

'It was the shadow of Some one who had gone by long before: of Some one who had gone on far away quite out of reach, never, never to come back. It was bright to look at; and when the tiny woman showed it to the Princess, she was proud of it with all her heart, as a great, great treasure. When the Princess had considered it a little while, she said to the tiny woman, And you keep watch over this every day? And she cast down her eyes, and whispered, Yes. Then the Princess said, Remind me why. To which the other replied, that no one so good and kind had ever passed that way...or ever has since.'"

I was strangely moved by this story of a poor, tiny woman who had nothing material, yet treasured the shadow of someone she loved because of his past kind deeds. Generally, stories like these only resonate with me if I can see a tangible connection to my life. This story was puzzling because my circumstances are nothing like those of Dickens' character who told the story. I remained bewildered as to why this story brought me to tears.

However, this past Sunday enlightened me. My Dear One was preaching on Psalm 15. Toward the end as he was wrapping it up he said something like, "I can only enter God's presence on the coat-tails of Christ." That's when it hit me. I'm entering God's presence in Jesus' shadow. I do have a shadow that I treasure above all things. Even if I were to become poor and alone, I would be rich in my treasured shadow.

But, this was a challenging thought as well. How often am I distracted by other things that need to be done or would be more entertaining, rather than spend time gazing at the bright shadow and getting to know him more through his Word? Does my heart speak the truth (Psalm 15:2) that I value Him above all things?

Bedtime Conversations

2009-05-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Moonbeams by Jessie Wilcox-Smith

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer
and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God,
which surpasses understanding,
will guard your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

On the eve of medical appointments and procedures for two beloved grandparents my daughter and I had a sweet bedtime conversation. I sensed a worrying heart in her and my own needed instructing as well.

I recalled our experience at the Good Friday service of walking up to the cross to nail a paper with a sin issue written on it. I asked her to imagine the cross again but this time taking her worries and cares for her beloved grandparents in a large and heavy sack to the foot of the cross. If we lay them there, at the foot of the Almighty God, do you think He can handle it? She agreed that he could.

I asked her to imagine getting up without the heavy bundle and walk away. After a few paces, look over your shoulder and listen to God say, "I have it my child. Trust me with your cares because I care for you."

As you walk away having heard that He has it, find something to thank Him for in the midst of the difficulty. We were thankful for symptoms that triggered a doctor's appointment and wonderful medical care available to these dear ones...as we know many around the world do not have such treatments available.

If you left the concern with God the promise is an unexplained peace that pervades and guards your heart and mind. I asked her to imagine a soldier guarding a fortress. She remembered King Théoden and Aragorn standing guard at the fortress of Hornburg, in the valley of Helm's Deep from the book by J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers. With the Holy Spirit guarding our heart and mind in Christ Jesus, it isn't surprising to experience a peace in the midst of trials.

The trouble is, we usually run back to pick up that heavy burden and carry it around with us. I told her I would most likely do that many times during the day, thinking about what these grandparents are going through. But when I do, I will imagine all over....going to the cross, laying my burden down, walking away, looking over my shoulder, hearing God, thanking Him and trusting the Holy Spirit to guard my heart and mind that belongs to Jesus. I can then do my day with a pervading peace.

A Sunday Toy?

2009-04-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday, a day for rest and relaxation, was a day with limitations for children of bygone eras. Their toys had to be biblically based. My son, was very creative this morning.

Outside his bedroom door I enjoyed listening in as he was singing:
"My chains are gone, I've been set free.
My God, My Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood, his mercy rains,
Unending love, Amazing Grace."
(a Chris Tomlin song we listen to often in the car)

Then I heard:
"Shields up! Fire when ready!

Mustafar - ready to battle!

We already battled...we are supposed to be dead.

I know but we came alive again! FIRE!"
Bombadil makes gun sounds and various battle noises...

And then begins singing again...
"'My chains are gone, I've been set free!...'"

And then exclaims, "Stop that singing!" with more battle sounds for effect!

And then quotes, "'For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that'...[couldn't understand the mumbling...I don't think he knows the rest of the verse]...John 3:16. But most of all Jesus loves you."

And continues with his Star Wars play.

I interrupted him and asked about the singing with his playing. He was a little embarrassed that I listened in. I told him I thought it was great that he had Bible songs and verses on a Sunday morning as a part of his play before church. He said that they didn't go together but that he was just singing. It still makes me chuckle and smile though!

My Feelings Expressed in Wall Art and a Poem

2009-04-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

Birdcage Mirror, Red Robin @ Anthropologie.com

A little bird I am,
Shut from the fields of air;
And in my cage I sit and sing
To Him who place me there;
Well pleased a prisoner to be,
Because, my God, it pleases Thee.

My cage confines me round;
Abroad I cannot fly;
But though my wing is closely bound,
My heart's at liberty.
My prison walls can not control
The flight, the freedom of my soul.

Oh, it is good to soar
These bolts and bars above,
To Him whose purpose I adore,
Whose providence I love:
And in thy mighty will to find

The joy, the freedom of the mind.

--Madame Guyon, 1648-1717

An Unexpected Gift

2009-04-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of this week I was planning on re-scheduling my doctor's appointment because I didn't feel it would do any good. My husband encouraged me to keep it and was willing to even take time off to drive me himself, if I didn't feel up to it. I reluctantly left it on the calendar.

Last night before bed I asked Matt to remind me what I should to tell her. Why am I going? He gave me what I needed to say. Every spring season for the past four years has brought on more pain and I have little to no hope of relief. I'm beginning to stress about the season more than I should, which makes the problem worse. So, I just need to go and talk with my naturopath, hoping she may have an idea, but not expecting one.

I went in pain alone. The rain didn't help my mood but I did enjoy the flowering cherry plum trees. Chilled by the rain, I walked in still wondering why I was there.

In her usual and gentle way she listened and processed. She remembered my pattern of spring time pain and was concerned that she can't do more to alleviate my symptoms. However, she met a different kind of need in an unconventional way.

A while back I agreed to let some of my blood samples be used for research. My doctor was asked to do a follow-up case study to help the company. As it turns out, my doctor was compensated for her write up which she didn't realize she would be. She was just paid yesterday, and just this morning she had pondered what to do with the money...and I walked in for my appointment.

To make a long story short, she decided to give most of the money to me. I've seen her be very generous and compassionate with patients before. I guess today was my turn. Had I not gone today, we both would have missed the blessing of giving and receiving. As usual, I didn't leave her office with dry eyes.

Stories Can Inspire Reflection and Action: Pt. 3

2009-03-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Avoiding awkward circumstances is something I generally try to do. However, I've been challenged to rethink this if I am going to be a "conduit of grace" to those in need. A recent opportunity came that would create a few uncomfortable scenarios. During Children's Church my son made a creative church invitation that had candy all over it. He decided to give it to his best bud at school.

He got on his bus Monday morning with the invitation and I attached some more church information with it. That afternoon he came off his bus, saying nothing, exuding frustration, and ran straight to his room without giving me my "missed you" hug. He was hurt and angry that his teacher would not allow him to give the fun invitation to his friend. There was a carefully worded letter from his teacher sealed up in a manila envelope along with the confiscated invitation.

I did not want to explain to my sweet boy the complications of our government working hard at keeping the separation of church and state. But his teacher did recognize Tommy's sweet heart and desire to share something special with his friend. I suggested that we pray together for a chance to give him the invitation personally. As soon as I said it, I almost wanted it unsaid.

This special friend's nationality is Somalian. His family, among many others may be a part of a group of refugees that live in our town and are part of our public schools. It has been my experience at my daughter's public school that the Somali families keep to themselves and do not come to extra school functions.

Tommy remembered that his Second Grade Music Program was Thursday night but he also knows his friend may not be there. However, we prayed. We continued praying daily and I did on my own, knowing that a near miracle may need to happen.

On the night of the program I sealed up the invitation and church information without Tommy knowing that I had it. I was almost hoping he would forget. It was already a roller coaster day of God answering another long awaited prayer, but my faith was still small.

His friend was not there for most of the program. But during the second to last song, he appeared on stage and climbed to his spot on the risers. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scanned the audience to find a Somali clad mom. I spent the time thinking back to my daughter's program and whether or not there were any Somali kids in attendance. I could not remember one.

After the program we waited for the boys to come into the hallway. Tommy was eager to give his friend the invitation. Surprisingly, his mom was excited to meet Tommy because her son talks about him so much. She enjoyed meeting the rest of us as well. The invitation was given and cordially accepted.

I asked if I could take the boys picture together. These two boys love each other and both love Star Wars characters. This year for Halloween....Tommy was Mace Windu and his friend was Qui-gon Jin. I loved how they switched skin color...no discrimination here! I wish I had that picture of them in costume together.....my little guy will have to do.

We went to Baskin Robbins to celebrate! My heart was so full with gratitude and guilt: gratitude for what God accomplished, and guilt for having such a small faith.

Stories Can Inspire Reflection and Action: Pt. 2

2009-03-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I shared about certain heroines in Victorian Era English novels that challenge me. Such social justice novels were written to create an awareness of terrible things in their time. I don't believe Charles Dickens or Elizabeth Gaskell imagined that their work written in and about the 19th century could have an impact on the 21st century. However, Jesus did say that, "the poor, you will always have with you," and parallels can be found from one time period to the next.

Looking at my present circumstances and the chances I have for influence, I asked God to guide me in getting past my assumption that "I can't really do any good." I realized that statement keeps me from trying and even demands that God tell me what He is up to through my actions. As I found a new place of humility I walked toward an uncomfortable opportunity.

Our church takes a group of 5th and 6th graders, along with their parents, downtown to feed the homeless and also help serve at a "Potluck in the Park." I took my 5th grader and it was an eye opening experience.

Many people that were on the streets fit the description of being really homeless and carrying all their belongings with them at all times. Some did not have the mental faculties to engage with you completely, but they reached out for what you would give them.

Others that come to the "Potluck in the Park" are not homeless but on a very small fixed income that does not provide for all their needs. So, these charity driven meals on Sundays provide some food.

My daughter and I helped at the condiment station. It was interesting to watch the different kinds of people coming through. Some expressed gratitude, others were confused that the condiment table was being watched over (too many volunteers that day). Some people allowed you to help hold their tray, pump the ketchup, hand them pats of butter but you had to "read" their faces. My sweet girl found this awkward at times but she did great. One of those moments occurred when a man came through, put his plate on the side of the table (almost falling) and began pouring mayo which was in a bowl over his hot dog and then walked away, forgetting his plate all together. He not only moved too fast for me to deliver his plate filled with food but made a mess of the table, ground, and the utensil meant to scoop the mayo. We cleaned up the mess and moved on as if nothing had happened, setting aside the plate if he returned. He never did.

Even with such commotion, my daughter turned around from the condiment station (I am in the picture behind her) to say, "Thanks for doing this, Mom. I'm having a good time." As we have been studying James together, it felt good to live out James 2:14-17, " What good is it, my brother if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."

She went to bed that night reflecting on her warm bed and comfortable room and wondered where the homeless were that night as we had snow flurries on the ground.

Now, when I am downtown I've felt a little more at ease talking with a homeless individual. They all have stories and needs. I can address them as real people or not. The difference it makes is the Holy Spirit's work in them and in me.

Stories Can Inspire Reflection and Action: Pt. 1

2009-02-02T20:26:00.000-08:00

A well written story that contains in intriguing plot and a heroine with a deep character has the potential to not only move me emotionally but to stir up some self-reflection. If you add a superb movie or mini-series of the novel, it becomes a personal favorite worthy of owning and re-reading. Over time I find such stories inspire me to act like the heroines because they embody a balance of grace and truth in a broken world.

Elizabeth Gaskell's novel, North and South, along with the Masterpiece Theatre production of the same name is one of these favorites. Margaret, the heroine, is uprooted from home in the south to an industrial town in the north. In Milton she encounters the lives affected by the cotton mill factories. Her social status allows her to be friends with the owners of such factories but she doesn't understand them. In her compassion for people, she makes friends with the workers and learns of the animosity between the "masters (the owners) and the hands (the workers).

Margaret could have chosen to not engage with the social evil of her town but she did. In it she found friends but she also got messy and was pained by what she saw. How could one woman bring any change to such a big problem? The courage to ask questions, confront assumptions, and admit her own mistakes can influence one person's perspective at a time. As I watched this unfold in Margaret it made me reflect on the evil's of my day and am I willing to engage with it? I just assumed my little life could not bring about any change but I can be someone who asks questions, confronts assumptions with grace, and admit my own mistakes. God will do the rest in bringing about change in one person at a time.

Another recently discovered favorite is Charles Dickens, Bleak House. Again, Masterpiece Theatre did a mini-series version that brings a very thick and complicated novel to screen. I was captivated by the compassion of two characters in the book: Mr. Jarndyce and Esther. Whenever either of them heard of the plight of any human being they would immediately drop what they were doing and go and do what they could. Sometimes, they could do nothing but just be there. The awkward silence and uncomfortable feeling of helplessness never prevented them from going to the next opportunity.

Mr. Jarndyce observed the ruin of his uncle because his hopes were set on the expectation of a great fortune when a chancery suit (disputed wills of a rich man) would be settled. The problem was, it was never settled in his lifetime and he came to ruin.

Mr. Jarndyce fought the inclination of putting his hopes on a future settlement and lived his life looking for ways to help others. Esther was one of those he could help, and like him, became a woman who would bring comfort to those whose circumstances were bleak. It reminds me of the passage in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 which says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."

The help and the comfort that these two offered did not often fix the problem or take away the pain of living in a broken world. What they did bring was grace, unmerited favor that can't be paid back. They were what my preaching hubby likes to say, "a conduit of grace" into a dark and hopeless situation. It took the form of a visit to a very low and dirty place only to witness the death of an infant and place a clean handkerchief over the baby's face. Or it was to bring a fevered boy back to their home to care for him, all the while he is stolen away in the night but not before he left behind the smallpox for Esther to catch and be scarred by. Some doubt God's goodness to allow a "conduit of grace" to come down with the smallpox but God never promised protection from affliction in this life. The promise is for the future when He comes to make everything right again for all eternity. His reward for those who were conduits of grace will be great. In the meantime, His comfort abounds as 2 Corinthians reminds us.

I ask myself what prevents me from seeking out those in need and going toward them? Two things come to mind: an assumption that I can't really do any good and a desire to avoid awkward circumstances. However, I want to be Jesus with skin on and so I must push through these reasons and take risks. For starters, I've been asking God to show me where needs really are and how I can engage with them. He is beginning to answer.