Trusting When It Doesn't Make Sense

"Banish discouragement from your heart as best you can, and if trouble comes, never let it depress or hinder you for long. At the least, bear it bravely if you cannot bear it cheerfully. Even if you are reluctant to bear it, and feel indignant, yet control yourself, and let no rash words escape you that may harm Christ's little ones. The violence of your feelings will soon subside, and grace return to heal your inner pains. 'I live,' says the Lord, 'ready to help and comfort you more than ever, if you will trust Me and call on Me with devotion.'"
~ Thomas A' Kempis
The Imitation of Christ

When I'm struggling with pain but there are many hours in the day to live out (sleep is a huge release), I find a progression in my thought process with a fork in the road where a decision is made. If my actions to provide some pain relief fail I begin to be discouraged. This leads to depressed feelings.

The fork in the road is to bear the pain indignantly or bravely. To walk down the indignant or rebellious path leads to lashing out through my heated emotions, saying harsh things to those around me, and producing much harm. To walk the brave path, though reluctant to go down it, is to believe that my violent feelings will subside. I remove myself from reacting to irritating circumstances so I can be self-controlled over my tongue. A place of brief solitude makes me run to my Savior for help as I endure the pain and the remaining hours in the day. In those moments of tearful prayers I find Him tenderly walking with me.

The Thomas A' Kempis quote above is Christ speaking to his disciple. I love it because it validates the human struggle in the midst of a trial. I've made the mistake in thinking I can only be victorious in bearing a trial if it is done cheerfully and bravely with absolutely NO violent or depressed feelings. Feelings are not sinful but they can be the gateway to the fork in the road: depend on God or rebel and be independent.

Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is an allegory of growing to become more like Christ. Hannah was inspired by the gazelles she saw as they leaped up mountainsides and overcame obstacles with ease. The main character, Much-Afraid, began her journey with a promise from the Shepherd to have feet like the gazelles or hinds. She wanted to leap up to the Kingdom of Love with ease just as her Shepherd is able. At one difficult part of her journey she is asked to take the promise the Shepherd first gave her and the natural human love in her heart (a flower growing there that she thought the Shepherd planted) and offer them as a burnt offering. The natural human love in her heart was the desire to be made lovely so that she could be loved in return. She was to sacrifice the very things that made her step out of her comfort zone and travel this arduous journey. It didn't make any sense to her.

The days that I deal with pain which require me to seek the help from others to do the very tasks I wanted to complete feels like the command the Shepherd gave to Much-Afraid. I thought I was to be the wife, mother, home-maker in this season of my life. Why can't God just give me enough health to do it? He seems to be asking me to sacrifice the very thing I thought He called me to do.

At this point in Much-Afraid's journey she has traveled far and collected stones to remember the lessons and promises she has learned along the way. She is in a cave waiting for a torrential rain storm to pass before going to the altar.

"Much-Afraid went over the stones of promise amidst a terrible storm. She was tempted to throw them all away. But she heard, 'Thou has a little strength, and hast not denied my name...Hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown,' (Rev. 3: 8 & 11). And she replied by picking up the eleventh stone: 'Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him.' (Job 13:15)."

Her cave is like my escape to my room when I'm agitated. I rehearse what I know of my Lord and that He remains unchanged while I waver in the midst of pain. I can then heed the advice of Hosea:

“Come, let us return to the Lord;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.

Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth.”
Hosea 6: 1 & 3

O LORD,
Help me to honour thee by believing before I feel,
for great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith…

Strengthen me to pray with the conviction
that whatever I receive is thy gift,
so that I may pray until prayer be granted;

Teach me to believe that all degrees of mercy arise
from several degrees of prayer,
that when faith is begun it is imperfect and must grow,
as chapped ground opens wider and wider until rain comes.

~ Excerpt from the Puritan Prayer, “The Divine Will”

I may not fully understand the sacrifice that He asks of me but my small faith will grow. I want it opened wide like chapped ground. So that when the rain comes and I begin to understand His working in my life I am ready to be filled to the very core of my being.